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Holla's First-ever cooking show smackdown!

Holla knows there is an abundance of cooking shows on TV. And Holla also knows how valuable all those hours you spend in front of the tube are. Quite frankly, getting into the everyday grind of the television cooking world is a huge task for even an epicurean. With a plethora of cooking shows out there, how is an aspiring foodie supposed to know which host to trust? Luckily Holla's help is on the way.

Paula Deen

Paula is the queen of butter and oil. She's also one of Food Network's most entertaining hosts - that is, if you can tolerate her Southern cackle and innate dopey-ness.

What's good? Whether or not she tries to be, this woman is hilarious. She will literally add a half-stick of butter to any dish that shows signs of healthfulness. When Emeril Lagasse gets excited about adding butter to a dish, it's just creepy. But when Paula fattens up her dishes, it's always a chuckle-worthy occasion. This woman lives for guilty pleasures.

What's bad? Even Holla can't handle all the craziness Paula brings to the table. If you're looking for a more subdued cooking experience, you should avoid "Paula's Party," the Friday night cooking show where the diva really lets her Southern hair down. Trust Holla: Sh-t gets crazy.

What's ugly? There's not an ugly thing about this woman, except maybe her silvery hair, which looks immobile because of years of heavy hairspray use.

Ina Garten

Ina is the resident rich lady on the Food Network. Thankfully, she's not much of a snob … Well, not too much of a snob. Her show, "Barefoot Contessa," is always beautiful and inspiring - if you're not put off by her $40 bottle of olive oil and East Hampton home.

What's good? Ina is self-taught - which may be hard to believe when you consider her huge knowledge of food. She seems like the type of girl who does every job the right way, no matter how hard it is.

What's bad? Okay, okay - Holla has to admit Ina is a little snooty. But you would be too if you had millions of dollars and a beautiful home! Plus she plays a great snob - a gentle snob, really. And no one sounds more convincing when describing fresh cut basil as "just fabulous."

What's ugly? Yeah, maybe in your dreams you could cook like Ina. Not everyone can afford the quality ingredients she uses, but who wants to go through all of that work anyway? Sometimes it's fun to just watch.

Bobby Flay

From "Iron Chef" to "Throwdown! With Bobby Flay," this culinary master has hosted a handful of shows on the Food Network, and usually with amusing results.

What's good? He brings a big personality and sturdy cooking chops to everything he does. Like many real chefs, he has no time for a fake persona, which is a relief to anyone drowning in the sea of hollow television personalities.

What's bad? He's kind of a d-bag. The premise of "Throwdown!" is that he shows up at the door of unsuspecting chefs who are renowned for what they do, and tries to make their dish better they can. Sad thing is, he usually does. It's like Goliath crushing David.

What's ugly? Flay emanates a kind of I'm-better-than-you smugness, though that may be part of his success. Plus, not many people can play Goliath and then kick back with a beer like any regular Joe.

Alton Brown

Alton is a big weirdo. He's the high-energy host of "Good Eats," and he has a number of other Food Network shows under his apron as well. What sets Alton apart is his background in science and cinematography, and both aspects of his past play important roles in the making of his quirky show.

What's good? Alton knows everything, or at least pretends to know everything. At any rate, he's pretty convincing - and his show benefits from his fast-paced know-it-all zaniness.

What's bad? The guy can be a little bit too much, and by that Holla means to say that Mr. Brown's personality can be compared to an over-eager middle school student - you know the kid, the one with the two-inch thick glasses who has his hand raised whenever the teacher's sentence ends with a question mark.

What's ugly? Alton rides motorcycles. And he's a huge nerd. Holla thinks that there is nothing more confusing than a science whiz completely clad in black leather.

Sandra Lee

Only watch this show if you hate food as much as you hate yourself. Lee is the host of the egregious "Semi-Homemade Cooking." Holla thinks this woman's sunny disposition is as fake as her cooking skills.

What's good? Holla doesn't want to answer this question. Nothing about Sandra Lee is good. Holla will politely abstain commentary here.

What's bad? Everything. Who watches the Food Network to see some spruced-up hottie put together store-bought ingredients? (Men?) Sandra's show is a depressing statement about what many people consider cooking. No other show makes foodies cringe as much as this one.

What's ugly? Lee's set, which changes with the theme of each show. She also has a segment called "tablescapes," where the faux-domestic goddess shows viewers how to make their tables look as hideous as her own.

Anthony Bourdain

Holla thinks this guy is too cool for his own good. He may not currently have his own cooking show, but watching Bourdain travel the globe testing local fare on "No Reservations" is a highly recommended TV food experience.

What's good? Like the title of the show suggests, Bourdain has no reservations about what he says or does. Especially fun to watch is drunk Bourdain, who somehow has even fewer reservations.

What's bad? Sometimes Bourdain is a little too honest, like when he's talking about his potty habits. Holla doesn't need to know about Mr. Bourdain's Indian-food-instigated diarrhea.

What's ugly? Watch this show, but turn your head if he decides to chomp down on a dirty warthog rectum. For serious.