Future home of stranded aliens remains in question?

by Erichkina Devochka

They said it would happen, but nobody listened. University officials received phone calls from Dionne Warwick’s psychics and Nostradamus’s followers, but still no one believed. When the spaceship filled with little green men finally landed on Northrop Mall, they all understood that the University would never be the same.
Thursday night’s arrival of an unidentified flying object did not bother anyone at first. Ironically, aliens did not seem to stand out from the University’s crowd. Although their three fingers on each hand induced fear, their green hair was not an unusual site to University students.
“One of them came up to me and started saying something in gibberish,” said University mortuary science senior Etita Terestinski. “I thought it was another weirdo trying to ask me out.”
Only when President Bill Clinton made an official TV announcement about their visit did University students and faculty understand what’s really going on and interesting details started to pop out.
Northrop Mall was not the aliens’ original destination, but due to construction on campus, they did not have any other choice. The roof of the physics building became a new home for them.
University anthropology sophomore Ekim Snevets was the first one to make contact with the foreign creatures. They seemed friendly and even invited him aboard the spaceship. What he saw was shocking: in the past week while living in the United States, aliens became completely Americanized.
“First thing that I saw there was Britney Spears’ infamous Rolling Stone cover hanging on the wall and her ‘Hit me baby, one more time’ CD,” he said. “Also, they hung a Backstreet Boys poster in what seemed to be their bathroom.”
Snevets said he saw a female alien wearing a thong, similar to ones in Sisqo’s hit video. They were also seen around the campus wearing New York Yankees hats backwards and showing off their golden-toothed grins. The first English phrases the aliens have uttered were “fuggetaboutit” and “word.”
“They are a big hit on campus,” said University fisheries and wildlife senior Joey Deadoralive. “They have a huge following, and I think that alien thong girl is kinda cute.”
University has been selling alien stickers and T-shirts even before the visit, but currently the items are flying off the shelves. Bug-eyed glasses and an extra pair of hands are also popular with University students.
Although life for the aliens seems to be great at the University, there is a problem. A technical difficulty was the reason for their landing. Their spaceship has been hit by a meteor and is not able to function properly.
University officials are faced with a tough decision: whether to help the aliens fix their spaceship or kick them off the campus regardless.
“If they are aliens, it does not mean they don’t have rights,” said Jedi Leah, a member of Freedom to Aliens. “They should make a choice themselves.”
Thousands of University students gathered near the physics building with slogans supporting the aliens. They urged University officials to consider the uniqueness of the situation and let the extraterrestrials stay. Some students started a fund, collecting money for aliens’ future tuition.
The aliens looked confused, and would not comment about the subject to the Daily World News. One of them raised his middle finger and said “home,” which was interpreted in several ways by the University officials.
The fate of the little creatures is not known, but during the spring break it will be decided if they are allowed to become University students or sent to space by the next shuttle.
“They will have a better future here on Earth,” said University freshman Iwish Iwasbillgates. “I mean, c’mon, they don’t even have a McDonald’s there.”

Erichkina Devochka covers whatever is left in the newsroom and welcomes comments at [email protected].