Arkansas bill would ban Clinton from ever returning!

by Monica Lewinsky

Arkansas legislators sent President Clinton a strong message Wednesday with the introduction of the “Safe State” bill, which would ban Clinton from ever returning to his home state.
“We don’t want you here,” proclaimed Ed Harvey, the bill’s co-sponsor, in a speech introducing the bill.
“Here in Arkansas, we take morality and God seriously. We just don’t think he’s the kind of resident we want,” said Gov. Mike Huckabee, who plans to sign the bill if it passes.
“He was governor here for so many years, we thought we’d never get rid of him. Now that he’s out, we’ve got to keep him out,” said Dorine Mendelson, a resident of Harrison and bill supporter. “His values are much more compatible with those Yankees,” she concluded referring to the Clinton’s new home in New York.
“I just don’t know what happened to him,” said Ima Perkins, Clinton’s second-grade teacher. “He must have learned all those evil things in Washington. He sure didn’t learn them in my classroom. I mean, really, equal rights for homosexuals? There are no homosexuals in Arkansas. I just don’t know where he got such ideas.”
“We’ll give him just enough time after he leaves the White House to get his stuff out of the state,” said Jim Richards, co-sponsor of the bill that prohibits Clinton from “entering or being in the state of Arkansas for any reason after Feb. 20, 2001.”
“Anything left after that day will be packed up and shipped to Hillary in New York,” Richards continued. “I figure she’s been taking care of his messes for years, so she’ll know what to do with the junk.”
Clinton reportedly filled two of the three Arkansas Governor’s Mansion storage units when he left for Washington seven years ago and has yet to claim the contents, which include used tires, old watering cans and the sofa from his college dorm room.
Clinton administration officials and organizers of Clinton’s presidential library in Little Rock could not be reached for comment.
“That totally sucks dude,” said University student Matt “Fatty” Arbuckle, a former religion major.
“It’s got to be a big blow for Clinton,” said Diana Newman, long-time Clinton friend and University of Arkansas professor. “He has such grand visions for his library.”
Rep. Asa Hutchinson, R-Ark., a leader of Clinton’s impeachment trial, is sponsoring a similar bill in the U.S. House of Representatives.
“Banishing Clinton from this country would be my greatest accomplishment as a public servant,” he said.
Hutchinson is also sponsoring legislation banishing homosexuals, Jews, Catholics, Muslims, pagans, atheists and Democrats from the United States.

Monica Lewinsky welcomes comments at [email protected].