From Grimace: Daer Network, Net: Is that the Gaelic spelling of dear? I work at a small video store and something quite out of the ordinary happened to me recently. Net: What, somebody rented “Waterworld”? It was getting late and there were only two or three people in the store, and in walks this guy with a monkey on a leash. One of those little ones like chim-chim. He started walking around the store and I followed him. He turned to me and asked if we had any copies of “Hail to the Chimp.” I told him I thought not, and that he had to either leave or take the monkey outside. I guess the monkey didn’t like my tone and he starts screeching like crazy. The other customers practically trip over themselves running out the door. Net: Have you seen what a chim-chim can do to a copy of Jumanji? So I says to the guy, “You better take that monkey out of here now!” So he kind of pushes me a little. So I pushed him a little back. He starts yelling, the monkey’s going nuts, and I start laughing. He finally leaves in a big hissy fit, yelling as he storms out my door. I had had enough and I closed the store early. And it turned out we had a copy of “Hail to the Chimp.” It wasn’t very good.

From Former Serfs of the Despotic Fief of Sanford: Net, saviors and punishers, servants of Commodore 64, please hearken to our petty lament about the most vile and evil desk staff at Sanford. Net: A favorite Obsequian rendezvous, Sanford Hall is not to be tread lightly. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Phantom Menace in less than 90 days. Having lived there, we, previous bearers of their wrath, do seek to inform others of the nefarious sable cloud of evil that quickens their souls toward ill will. Upon seeing them, calmly lurking behind their homework-covered altar, most humbly did we approach, unaware that we were entering a den of base demons. Seeking only the blessed idol of the vacuum god that cleanses our dwelling place, we were unprepared for the attack on our mortal souls. We valiantly escaped with our lives and souls intact, but permanently damaged. Woe is us! Oh pious Net, please aid us in our noble quest to find a knight of pure and righteous heart to slay these most foul demons. Oh Net, hear our plea! Net: The bulk of the NITWIT force has advanced o’er the foothills of the Lowering Mountains to engage Harlequin seditionaries; an assemblage of haiku operatives has taken residence in the culverts beneath the Watchtower, their eyes fix’ed on the Dolmens to the east, staking out the movements of King T. Nary a spy or soldier can be expended, Serfs. Be strong!

From Madmartigan: In accordance with the wishes of the animals rights activists, no one is to eat meat again! Tear down the fences! Let the cattle and sheep and swine roam free among us. After all, do not all college students live in squalor? Build exquisite cities upon the meadows and pastures. Let all animals compete with us, without predators, for our wholesome plant goodness. Only then shall we see the grand utopian plans of the Coffman Revolution, shining upon us in all of its glory. Net: A worthy Megalith; truly, Coffman — its foundations strengthened by the student fees committee — shall begrudgingly play its role in the ascension of King T! This being done, the world of nonbelievers shall realize its greatness; when all animals, man and beast alike, shall graze on our Northrop Mall!
From Shortbus: Hi. I am quite well aware of one man behind the Net. Net: Is that so, Short? Your proclamation smacks of an Obsequian Zero-knowledge proof. We don’t like it — the cryptography card was not to be played prematurely … alas, the Commodore 64 is primed … He may not know it, but I do. I decided to write because the debate between the anti-viv(a)i (lasvegas) sectami people and the anti-society people who feel the need to call these people stupid. I would just like to say both parties are being stupid, and neither are using, in my opinion, a valid argument. Net: We promised to let this debate rest awhile, Short — but your double-refute theory intrigues us. Onward. No one could live like we do without the destruction of SOMETHING. We kill many lifeforms indirectly by our consumption of wood. There are more things that prove this, but singling one practice out and saying it’s wrong is either blind-sighted or just stupid.
Oh, by the way, there’s this nice looking girl who’s in my European history Net: HEY! Save it for Dr. Date, will ya? class at 10:10 MWF; she always reads the Network. I like to sit next to her in hopes some act of God forces us to talk. Anyways, I wish her luck with the crossword puzzle, and have no aggression towards the Net if she e-mails inquiring to my whereabouts. Later. Net: Now you’ve done it, Shortbus … you’ve made us all nervous.

From Dfonzarelli: Hi Network, I was wonderin’ if you could help me out. On Tuesday, around noon, I hopped on a campus connector. Anyway, there was this cute blonde girl in a green jacket who was smiling, and I was thinking to myself, “She’s pretty cute.” Net: Ever considered a career as a talent scout, Fonz? I would have said something to engage her in some conversation, but I have this voice problem in regards to cute girls who I don’t know. Net: WAIT A MINUTE! Get some guts, you quivering slices of milquetoast! We gotta save you from Armageddon, and get you dates? Sheesh … So anyway, I decided that since I got an A- on my physics test that the hurt of her rejection could not possibly kill my euphoric gratefulness to the Almighty for the academic miracle I was a part of. In short, she got off the bus before I worked up enough courage to say anything. Net: Would you have worked up enough “courage” by the time you were in St. Paul? Wethinks not. So, Net ol’ buddy, if you could print this, and relay my e-mail address to her in the unlikely event that she even remembers who I am, I would be eternally grateful.