University Homecoming moving to Madison

It’s no fairy tale. “Once Upon a Homecoming” and all of its crappy festivities has been officially rescheduled to occur in Madison, Wis. – some 250 miles away.

Every year, students from all over the Midwest celebrate Halloween by trekking to the University of Wisconsin-Madison and partying in the streets while dressed in costumes. With the overlap between our homecoming and the annual Wisconsin Halloween bash, the Student Activities Office decided to relocate the parade, competitions, and royalty coronation to our rival state.

My estimates show that at least 98 percent of students here are planning on going to Madison, so the relevance of this giant move is obvious. Apparently, the University wanted Homecoming to take place where its students are, using the “home is where the heart is” attitude. In this case, home happens to be a completely different school.

The Homecoming relocation will have many perks that wouldn’t be seen had the festival stayed here. For one, it will allow our clerical union workers to protest without fear of students crossing their picket lines (because this would ruin their chances at a new contract). Furthermore, the move will help Wisconsin students. Last year, Madison’s State Street had minor riots during Halloween. I’m sure this year Minnesotans could properly educate Wisconsinites on more successful rioting procedures. It would be like a new, blank canvas for the University (and even Mankato) rioters, and it wouldn’t even take place in Minnesota. That fact alone ought to please the University administration, which is only concerned about money and would not like to see another costly riot on campus.

Thankfully, there is no Operation NightCAP or similar party-ruining police technique in Madison. This freedom will allow for Homecoming and Halloween to become the biggest party in the Midwest. I am hoping Goldy and Bucky will get trashed and mate, spawning a new Midwestern university, or at least an anthropomorphic, squirrelish mascot. That would be friggin’ awesome.

Having our Homecoming in Madison will be fun, worthwhile and appropriate. It will be a cultural confrontation equal to the likes of the Plymouth Rock American Indians and Pilgrims, except with less killing and more boozing. But seriously, the consequences of this University conglomeration will be spectacular – if not devastating.

There is even talk of relocating the Minnesota-Indiana game to Camp Randall Stadium, because the Badgers don’t even play that Saturday. It’s like our homecoming was supposed to be in Madison! Wisconsin owes Minnesota anyway, because students from Wisconsin are paying less to go to Minnesota than those who live here. Therefore, it is only fair we use the University of

Wisconsin in this manner and recover the extra costs Minnesotans are paying. And how!

See you in Wisconsin this weekend, Minnesota.

Mat Koehler is a columnist. He welcomes comments at [email protected]