Sometimes our sentiments are so lucidly articulated that we have nothing to add. This is one of those times:
UNTITLED
From: Fat-Head: First of all, I don’t like people. I say that so you can put the rest of my letter in context. I don’t like you, Network, and I don’t like whoever is reading this right now. I am a person who enjoys long, moonlit walks on the beach and romance novels. I am a woman, but you wouldn’t be able to tell by looking at me, even if I were nude.
I am writing about people’s responsibility to dress nicely and to look nice. Why should I have to look at somebody that is wearing ugly clothes or who doesn’t spend enough time on his or her hair and body? I encourage everyone to do better at this, and keep the rest of us in mind when you leave your house each morning.
LONG STRANGE TRIP
From Mulad: I want to know why the hell my math recitation is in Blegen Hall!! Net: The St. Paul campus hog stables are right chilly this time of year. I thought I could go one quarter without crossing the Mighty Mississippi every day! I’ve never seen such a strange map of where my courses are held. Maybe I just haven’t been at the University long enough. Net: If you’re taking a course called “Math,” you haven’t been in school long enough.
To Flying Finn: I totally understand your troubles with getting schedules printed out on Sundays (and what, between 1 a.m. and 7 a.m. or something like that?) I don’t know why the University can’t just let the thing stay up all night — I highly doubt the computer would explode. Net: No, but the hamsters get cramps.
And Net, Net: That’s MR. Net to you. In fact, we don’t go by that moniker anymore; from now on, we’d like to be called Net “the Circuitry” work even if the Mighty Bill Gates is giving most people the Blue Screen of Death Net: Possible connection to the Blue Columbia Jackets of Death? whenever a butterfly flaps its wings, to all of you that have those troubles — get a real Operating System! *THHBBBT* Net: Operating system, schmoperating system … be prepared — in say, July — to be referred to as ‘server.’ Not your computer: you. And hey, nice text-raspberries. Except we spell it PHTBLPHTLT!!
From Rabid_Ddawg: What are Robin Williams and today’s film industry trying to do to our minds? Net: Frappe. Williams acts the part of a murderer in Patch Adams. Net: And “Popeye.” And “Jumanji.” And “What Dreams May Come.” This graphic film shows Robin Williams acting under the name of “Hunter,” slaying tons of squirrels. His friend is unable to pee because he is afraid of the squirrels, but still helps in the killing of these harmless animals. Because of mindless people like students at this university, some members of the public think that the squirrels are out to get us. The squirrels are actually lovable creatures Net: Ever tried to hold a squirrel? Better luck putting your hand down the garbage disposal which like Robin Williams says, are just above baby chicks and slugs on the scale of dangerous creatures. In this film, Robin Williams, presumably an authority on the subject of what creatures are fierce Net: Like Brutus and Captain Hook said that the squirrels are not mean, as so many University students claim. But what is this film saying? It was created to send confusion into the public. It told us that squirrels are lovable, and also shows them being killed in mass quantities. Confusion. Net: Hey, you said it, not us … They are trying to set us into a panic, making us wary of all creatures and things. Live in fear fellow students — they are out to get us.
WELL THEN ALLOW ME TO RETORT
Daily, Net: THAT’S NETWORK, CHEESE-BRAIN. The Daily is just a conduit through which the Network flows. I have yet to write into the Daily, NET: NETWORK. N-E-T-W-O-R-K but after reading those sad lines from the supposed Superbowl champs has finally pushed me over the edge. Net: Are you sure it’s not that pint of paint thinner? I would assume that the writer is one of the new, out of the package purple and yellow Zubaz-wearing Vikings fans that I came to know in the Dome this year during the Packer game. Buying all their clothes before the games, with barely enough time to get the tags off. I have no problem with the Viking team this year; they have talent and are playing very well. I have, however, never seen poorer fans than the Vikings fans in the Dome this year. My 82-year-old mother in her Packer sweatshirt was verbally assaulted, Net: She expected praise? Hey, cross-state rivalries do not discriminate on the basis of age not once but three times. Word to the wise, to those Vikings fans who know so little about winning. Winning well is more important than losing well, although I think you will all experience both this year. Good luck in the playoffs, and to all those Packer fans who shed a tear with me on Sunday, the team will go on: Go Pack. As to Dreaming, pull your head out of your purple and yellow ass. Net: We say take a Vicodin and settle down, people of Packer-land. It’s not the end of the world, just the end of a nice two-year run (Green Bay) and the beginning of a dynasty (Minnesota).
