Net: Good morrow, and happy Monday! For all you University boondogglers perusing our celebrated pages instead of participating in class discussion/taking notes/reading a textbook/napping/other industrious activity, just remember this: days of chaos await. Uncertainty is your ally. Frolic shamelessly! Read Network guiltlessly! Raise your hand high and confidently; when called upon, giggle, titter and tell your professor what you really think! You’ll feel better. On to the letters:TAKE OFF, EH
From Albino Albatross: What horrid times are these when Satanic priests can speak ill of nameless Canadians? I am Albino Albatross, Net: Which makes your genetic curiosity sort of a moot point, as you are extinct one of the founding third floor Middlebrook Dirty Birds, speaking on the matter of our UNFORTUNATELY Canadian acquaintance. To protect his anonymity let’s call him … “The Runt.” Now, on behalf of “The Runt” I would like to send a message to Father SimBlahBlahBlah. Net: Note the phonetic alterations for the purpose of humor and belittlement. These guys are good. This message is one of disgust and outrage. So to keep from wasting more time Net: I think we’ve established that they are all already wasting their time, so … here it is:
Father SinBad, Net: And again. Har har. You’re killing us, stop it, it hurts, oh please, oh please. Who do you think you are, picking on OUR Canadian? We had “The Runt” first, so go find your own subhuman jester to entertain your precious time. They aren’t that hard to find; just look for any flannel-clad, flapped-hatted, ill-minded, pre-dental student trying to pass play money with maple leaves on it for the real thing. They aren’t hard to persuade into your friendship either, because of their walnut-sized brains.
So, Father Syphillis, Net: No, really. We’re dying. This just in: you’re funny I demand a written apology to all the ITs (Canadians) on campus for your insulting commentary of prejudice, and then you can just butt oot, eh?
WE COULDN’T RESIST
From Desperately Seeking My Angel: I know you’re not a lost and found, but I could really use your help. Net: We checked the by-laws. While we are generally cynical and collectively self-serving, we do have a collective heart. So use us like the rag we are. I’ve read letters in your column before from people who have lost things and I was hoping that you’d print mine as well. Here goes: I “lost” a necklace. I hung it up with my towel when I was taking a shower Thursday night and I forgot about it for a little while. When I remembered it (it wasn’t very long), it was gone. I know that I lost it through my own stupidity and probably don’t deserve to get it back, but I have to try.
It’s Black Hills gold and it has an angel charm on it. It’s a really small angel, and the body is gold, but one of the wings is pink and the other is green, like most Black Hills stuff. This necklace means a lot to me. My older brother gave it to me just before he got killed and it was the only thing he ever gave me that is permanent (other than memories, but most of those are of us fighting). The thing is, as we got older we got a lot closer; this necklace was sort of an “I-forgive-you-for-being-a-bratty-little-sister” present, and I’d love to have it back. There will be no questions asked. There is a reward; it would have been found on the fourth floor of Centennial Hall. If someone wants to return it they could drop it off at the Centennial front desk or could they maybe contact you, Network, for my e-mail address and/or phone number? Net: Yeah, we could do that. We don’t even have to have a reason. Even if you don’t print this, thanks anyway. You’re column is really great; I read it all of the time. It provides much more interesting material than any of my professors. Net: See: preamble to today’s column. And we really, truly wish you luck. As for the scofflaw that pilfered your necklace: May the mites of a thousand camels infest your nether regions. Onward.
From Star of the Morning: Nobody’s perfect; God knows I’m not. But I would like to request that people diminish their faults to an acceptable degree. Of course there are worse conditions to complain about, but foremost I must ask that everyone stop using the word “erm.” Could people please do this? Net: Erm It is tacky and nerve-biting. Also, not to take up too much of your time, but could people also stop whining about the Vikings and slandering the Packers? It’s over. Net: We concur. Erm.
From The Idiet: Hey Net Dude, Net: Now, you’re making a lot of assumptions here — that we are male, singular and carbon-based. We suggest you alter said assumptions, or you might wake up one day with a nasty computer virus, a toaster that doesn’t work, houseplants in your shower or a Bugaloos song stuck in your head I have to say that this Net thing is really a good idea. Net: Gee, thanks. So was canned beer. My roommate turned me onto it and it is sure fun to read! Net: Erm. Let me ask you, Mr. Oh-so-High-and-Mighty, what is the secret to getting published? Do you look for “rants” with the best substance or do you look for commentaries that give you the best opportunity for your cutesie interjections? I’m eagerly awaiting your response. Keep up the great work, ya dahmsheeyyat!!! Net: We encourage conspiracy theories, general complaining, spirited banter and anecdotes with mild violence. But we’ll print anything that isn’t indecent.