Nothing in life is better than a good sandwhich

by Stingo McSlappo

Look out winter snow birds, this year’s hot fashions could melt the frozen campus tundra faster than the widening hole in the ozone layer.
More blinding than a white-out snowstorm are this year’s Hawaiian-print yellow parkas smothered with splatterings of orange flowers and aqua waterfalls.
Now is the time to toss away traditional forest-green and navy-blue outerwear because down-filled fashions are hot, hot, hot.
Fashion models voguing down this season’s runways are extra toasty warm in aqua-blue and sunny-yellow parkas printed with giant flowers and hula dancers. Other models draped in palm tree-printed, sky-blue jackets will transport you to a tropical forest complete with waterfalls.
“In my creations, I strive to heat a woman’s body with tropical rays and fan her with waving palm leaves,” glowed Italian designer Mi Pazzo, wiping his brow.
Pazzo’s fashion line includes towel-like terry cloth hats, scarves and mittens. Boots with flip-flopping soles add an extra beach-front illusion.
University student Greg Guustafsen said when he sees his parka-donned reflection in frosty car windows, the bright colors make the subzero weather seem more bearable.
“It is spring break all winter long,” Guustafsen said, adding that he oftentimes zones out and thinks he is in Acapulco while wearing his parka.
University students sometimes see Guustafsen sunning himself in a lounge chair in the middle of Northrop Mall during these memory lapses.
“It’s, like, awesome,” said Scorrie High, Guustafsen’s roommate. “Sometimes when Greg comes home, he’s like, really, really red on his knees. He thinks it’s a suntan, but I know, like for sure, that it’s frostbite.”
University participants testing the beach-friendly coats confirmed that, when wearing the tropical print Pazzo parkas, they feel 30 percent warmer than the control group wearing drabby Sears peacoats.
The students also had an decreased appetite and increased desire to sniff coconut oil, a desperate need to swim and a thirst for gin and tonics. Many sloshers also demand pink umbrella toothpicks stacked with pineapple wedges and maraschino cherries.
“People wearing tropical prints appear to change more than just their clothes,” said psychologist Ima Kwak. “Their whole outlook is warmer; even those suffering from seasonal affective disorder no longer go to Menard’s for rock salt, but check out with a shopping cart filled with fine beach sand instead.”
Dave Silver, a Boynton Health Service official, complained that Pazzo outfits have caused injuries on campus.
“It’s the boots and reflective sunglasses that cause the trouble,” Silver said. “Students stumble over their flip-flops and fall face down on the stairs.”
While these fashion plates are somewhat accident-prone, Pazzo stands by his colorfast down-filled Hawaiian parka creations:
“One must suffer for fashion.”
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