Oprah’s holier-than-thou

by Stedman

In between drags on a Parliament cigarette, Oprah Winfrey spoke out on the radical changes that have come about both in her life and daytime talk show.
Once known for her dedication to a healthy lifestyle and a values-rich talk show, Winfrey has turned her back on her righteous ways to join the ranks of other esteemed talk show hosts like Jerry Springer and Jenny Jones.
“What was I thinking for the past eight years? Shows like ‘Finding and releasing the inner child within you?'” queried Winfrey. “Please, Springer’s got it right with shows like ‘My Mom’s sleeping with my slutty best friend’s lesbian aunt.'”
Winfrey credits her switch to the morally-bankrupt side of daytime talk to a letter she received from a 36-year-old Nebraskan housewife. The letter, written on pastel Precious Moments stationery, pleaded with Winfrey to be the guest of honor at the woman’s upcoming Tupperware party. That request, for Winfrey, was the turning point.
“Here’s this woman, asking me to be her Tupperware bitch, and I can’t even get Stedman to put a ring on my finger,” vented Winfrey. “That was the end of my being the expensively dressed, moral poster child for housewives throughout America.”
The experience pushed Winfrey to redesign all aspects of her talk show. Rather than featuring such special shows as “The powerful and inspirational magic of angels” or “Oprah’s search for the cutest cocker spaniel in America,” Winfrey has recently taken to shows featuring obese male prostitutes and the women who love them.
The change has extended to all facets of Winfrey’s life. A woman once known for her low-fat cookbooks and power walks, Winfrey has recently signed a multimillion dollar deal to become a spokeswoman for Hostess Ding-Dongs.
Reportedly one of the richest women in the world, Winfrey has also taken to excessive gambling. She has lost so much money that she has begun to revoke money she donated to cities to host their own “random acts of kindness” days.
“That kind of crap never did any good anyway,” Winfrey said in a jaded tone, “It’s much more useful to me playing the quarter slots at Circus-Circus.”
The well-known “Oprah’s Book Club” has also been revamped through her recent changes. Formerly known as a seal of approval that would instantly propel books to the best-seller list, Winfrey has taken to endorsing trashy romance novels and self-help books. Her latest club book was “Monica’s Story,” about Monica Lewinsky, by Andrew Morton.
She admits that her changes might cause her to lose her core audience — white, middle-class homemakers with four or more children — but she thinks they’ll soon get hooked on the changes in her show. Winfrey doesn’t deny the power she has garnered among women during her talk show’s run.
“They love, honor and worship me,” Winfrey said. “They dare not disobey the all-consuming powers of Oprahocity.”