Net: We hear a cry from the people, and it’s saying …
From This Guy: Hey, Screwed Over, I appreciate your predicament, and I agree that patronage of BW-3 should be halted immediately, but for an entirely different reason that goes to the heart of all that is wrong with the Midwest: urine-tasting, see-through, shit-in-a-can 3.2 beer. Net: Hear hear! Bring us a black & tan any day. What the hell are you people thinking? Net: We’re thinking, “Cheap drink. Cheap date. Cheap …” Anything that tasteless deserves the wrath of God Net: May 3.2 drinkers spend an eternal spring on Northrop with Brother Jed, which is exactly what you’re getting, in the form of a six-month winter. Maybe, just maybe, El Ni¤o is a direct result of some frat having a martini party last fall. Net: Shhh … we’re too close to Sinatra’s death to bring back the martini jokes. Now I will give you the chant that may save your miserable lives from bad taste and bland palettes: Guinness Net: Yes!, Bass, Harp, Blackthorne, Red Hook, Anchor Steam, Samuel Adams. Net: Three huzzahs for those with good taste in beer.
And for the love of God, tip your server/bartender. They are taxed by the government on the assumption that you are going to tip them. If you’ve got enough money to go out and drink, you damn well have enough to tip. Ever wonder why you got bad service? It’s because YOU DON’T TIP. Net: No, it’s because low unemployment has made it possible for anyone with one tooth and an intact eyelash to get a job — and some of them are servers. If you do, not only will you impress everyone around you, but you might actually get a buzz from 3.2 beer, because it will come a hell of a lot faster IF YOU TIP.
TIP TIP TIPPITY TIP TIPSKY you morons!!!
From Roommate Killa: I’m responding to the piece Screwed Over did on Monday.
I had something like that happen to me. A while back I went to BW-3 to enjoy some of their buffalo wings, and I thought maybe it would be nice to have a brew with it. Net: So, you walk up to the bartender and urbanely say, “Schlitz, please” — and you even have a straight face. I paid for everything, and when I went to the bar to collect my beer the bartender asked to see my ID. I gave it to him, and he asked for a second form of ID. I gave him my U-Card. Net: Uh-oh. Do you really want to let a stranger that close to your soul? He wanted more Net: Sounds like white slavery to us so I gave him my credit cards, too. Net: From this point forward, we have no sympathy for you.
No luck, he took it, and as I was arguing with him two undercover cops approached me and started hassling me Net: Notice they are easily identifiable as undercover cops, telling me they were going to take me downtown. And so, I want to announce a boycott of that establishment.
Oh ya — my roommate, let’s call him Thomas John to protect him — is a jealous bastard. Net: Thank you. We’re sure the anonymity gives your words added weight. From Big Queen on Campus: Hi there all you groovin’ dudes and dudettes at Network! Net: Hi, Big Queen. How are you? We are fine. Hope y’all’re hangin’ in there!
I just have two things to say today. First, to Screwed Over, I may be incredibly ignorant (I know, it’s hard to believe Net: Especially among our readers, whom, marketing tells us, comprises a disproportionate number of brain surgeons and rocket scientists, but true nonetheless), but what in the heck is BW-3???? Net: It’s a concept, a telos, a state of being, a eudaimonic bliss. Dude … I just had to ask!
Second, I’d like to raise one old debate from its grave — see if you can follow my train of thought here. There are two reasons IT students will ultimately be superior to CLA students. Net: AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! It’s THE DEBATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CLA students love to sit out on the Mall, getting plenty of sun and beefing up their tans while IT students are too busy studying to get involved in that. This leads to two different (yet the same) outcomes: 1. CLA students will significantly increase their chances of developing melanoma, a deadly skin cancer, and all die off, leaving IT students with their pasty-pale, yet healthy, skin to rule the world, and 2. CLA students with their beautiful tans also increase their chances of getting laid. Net: True — but they never see the “Hot Swedish Teens” sites on the Web. Now with all this sex going on, they are significantly increasing their risk of contracting deadly STDs and dying off, again leaving the pasty-pale, FRUSTRATED technology students to rule the world!
So, there you have it. Become an IT student, live long and prosper with power galore, or become a CLA student and die young and sort of pretty, but with a smile on your face. Your choice!
One last thing relating to sunning on the Mall: All you young, well-built men out there, isn’t it time to shed your shirts and pants and let the rest of us drool over your remarkable chiseled bodies?? Net: We’re sorry. NITWIT already has enough bastard children to stock the Carlson school from the years 2010 to 2020 — and he’s still working. We’ll have to refrain from any extraneous effort. We conclude today with …
WORDS OF THANKS
From Mathlady: Network, I hope you will let me take this time to thank someone — my choir TA. Net: Thanks, choir TA. Chris was a great TA, and the women’s chorus will miss him very much. Net: Want some comfort? NITWIT’s trying to increase enrollment …
Thank you, Chris, for staying the entire year. I’m sure it was difficult with the altos picking on you all the time Net: Mean altos. Just because they have to smoke all day so they sound like they have penises on the low notes, you’d think the world owed ’em something — but hey, you got a new tux shirt because of it! Well, I wish you luck in the future, now that you’ll be graduating (I’m so jealous). Go forth and conduct! Net: Words to live by. Have great days, y’all!