Net: Let no one say…

Net: Let no one say we don’t offer equal time. Today, we offer impassioned defenses of the off-campus drinking hallmark, BW-3.
BW-3 IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME

From Santino Corleone: Beloved Daily, please allow me to quell the fears that Screwed Over and Roommate Killa are trying to perpetuate with two words: NICE TRY. I work at BW-3, and I know the truth behind these jokers. You see, fake IDs come in many forms — from your brother’s friend’s ID to a doctored ID from a different state. There are, however, very good IDs that can be obtained in some states with a fake birth certificate. Net: Makes us wish we’d never been born. These IDs may have all of the correct information, holograms and pictures, but they are fake. One need simply give the ID to a police officer, who will check to see if the numbers match the real birth certificate.
The reason you two got “screwed over” is because you attempted to pass fake IDs at BW-3. If you hadn’t, the police who checked you both out would have given you your IDs back.
People forget — we want your business! We enjoy having U of M students come and drink at the bar, because it’s good for business and it’s fun. On the other hand, we’ve got a Minneapolis Police strike force who is looking to send us the way of the Gopher Hole for serving underagers.
And as for you, This Guy: Open your friggin eyes, jackass! As long as I’ve been working at BW-3, we have had Guinness, Sam Adams and Red Hook on tap and Bass in the bottle.
Just because when you look around your closet floor all you see is empty Busch Light cans your mom forgot to confiscate, don’t sound off like a loser.

From The Other Guy: Regarding the entry by Roommate Killa calling for a BW-3 boycott: Wasn’t the Gopher Hole, just a few doors down from BW-3, just closed a few months ago due to underage drinking? If there are undercover cops in the place, BW-3’s paranoia is justifiable.
Let the under-21’s do their drinking at the frathouses and leave the few remaining decent establishments in Dinkytown alone until you’re 21, rather than screwing them up for the rest of us. Net: So, as you can tell, the real villains in all this are freshmen, as usual. Let the impaling commence!

TIPTOE THROUGH THE TULIPS, PERENNIALL

From Sammy Dog: I see the University is wasting money again. In the courtyard between the EE/CSci Building and Lind Hall there is a little flower garden with some day lilies, evergreens and what used to be tulips.
Tulips are a perennial — that means they come back every year. Maybe the grounds crew didn’t know that, because after they were done blooming they tore the ground up along with the tulip bulbs and put in some annuals that would bloom during the summer and then die, never to come back. Net: It’s all part of a Stalin-like plot to keep the grounds crew in a perpetual state of crisis, thus ensuring continued dependence on Mark Yudof and his “Beautiful U” concept. Don’t let anyone know. What are they planning to do this fall, plant tulip bulbs again so there are flowers in the spring? Don’t get me wrong — I love a blooming flower Net: And so do we. We love to pluck them when they’re young. BUH-WA-HA-HA-HA, and I know it isn’t the student grounds people’s fault, they are just doing what management tells them to do. Maybe management has too big of a budget that they don’t know what to do with it except waste money digging up flowers.

PERSISTENCE PAYS OFF

From Hint! Hint: After reading Tuesday’s paper and reading Big Queen‘s entry, I finally do realize that people at Network deliberately choose letters that are lame and old. Net: What?!? Didn’t you like our solipsism debate idea? Hey — we’re trying to serve U the best we can. I wrote to you EXACTLY one week ago stressing not to print CLA/IT, squirrel and fraternity/sorority debates. You failed me again! Net: Yes, and we feel terrible. We might have to lock ourselves in our room and listen to Cure discs over and over and over again.
Am I going to have to march down to the Network office and open a can of WHOOP ASS on you guys? Net: Sure. Just walk past Fraternity Row, avoid the terrorist squirrels and ask for us at the main office. Of course, all our receptionists are CLA students, so they’ll be sure to bungle the message. Please don’t make me do that but I will if I have to. Things could get ugly.
Changing the subject, I would like to ask one question that has puzzled me for the last three years I have been here at the U. What is the purpose of MSA? Net: So, let’s see if we have this straight. You rail at us for printing letters about squirrels, fraternities/sororities and CLA/IT, and then you want us to replace that with MSA!?!?! You consider that a fresh topic!?! Where have you BEEN for the past month? What have they done in the last 10 years that has improved or helped student life? Net: They’ve kept the squirrels at bay, made sure no one drank themselves to death at a fraternity/sorority party, and kept CLA and IT from each other’s throats. Please give me specific detailed examples that we all can relate to. I’m doing this to find out whether this organization is worthy or just something you join to fill up white space on your resume. Net: What other kind of worth is there? If you give me a good enough reason(s), maybe I and 35,000 other students will consider voting next year. It’s pretty lame that this year’s total cast was only 1,400 or so — nobody cares. Gee golly, I wonder why? Net: It’s all because of apathetic students like YOU who stand on the sidelines cynically and refrain from MAKING A DIFFERENCE. Sure — criticize us. Criticize the hard-working members of MSA. Criticize everyone working for positive social change. CRITICIZE CHE GUEVARA, while you’re at it.
But you will not win. You will not win.
Hasta la victoria siempre.