AS LAME AS HE WANTS TO BE
From Alabama Charlie: Fine, “Networkia,” want another MORE CREATIVE topic than what has been discussed of late? Net: Actually, we prefer to wallow in tedium. It’s good for the skin. Let’s talk about them there construction workers … remember that Diet Coke commercial? Net: The one with the sexually frustrated women ogling the muscle-bound brute in the hard hat? Yeah, we’re sweating like a lukewarm margarita just thinking about it. Dead topic, construction sucks, what else can I say. Let’s stop complaining; nothin’ we can do about it. Net: Your originality — nay, banality — is an inspiration to us all. Let’s talk about them there bums that stand on the corner of the sidewalk at the bottom of the stairs between Northrop Auditorium and Walter Library. Net: Leave the good people of Johnston Hall alone. I feel bad for the guys. I walk by there every day and dig in me ol’ pocket for some change, but guess what? Aramark stole it all! I gots no change for them. I think those bums would have better luck, or at least a higher profit margin, if they just stood outside of the Carlson building on West Bank. Net: Actually, you might have better luck hitting up their parents down at Interlachen. Bother those MBAs — us CLAers ‘n’ ITers gots no money, and we don’t speak good with the English. TOEFL? We’d fail not good should we have going to take it. Net: Ladies and Gentlemen, Ernest Hemingway — back from the dead.
Anyway, my point? Net: Who needs tricks when you can get a treat like that? I have none other than let’s think of a better topic to talk about than college wars and the Minister of Masturbation or whatever he calls himself that everyone writes about. That s##!t’s a-boring. New topic: Integration of animal research protest with campus construction angst.
I’d be quite entertained to see that Moos Tower freak cage himself in the basement of the Mech-E building while they poured the concrete. RIP ME APART, NETWORK! BRING IT ON!! Net: Some things tend to take care of themselves.
AM WE BLUE?
From Bluesman: I was just sitting around pondering all the improvements(?) Net: Listen up. An alumni center wouldn’t be an alumni center without a reflecting pool. Now move on. being made to the University as of late, and I’ve got a few ideas of my own to present. The first is this: With all of the construction going on everywhere else, I would like to see one improvement made to the Washington Avenue Bridge. Net: How about a moving sidewalk like the ones they have in airports? That walk seems to get longer every year. But then, old age will do that to a Net. I want to make it into a sled bridge. This can be done by sloping one side one way, and one side the other, and leaving the middle flat. Net: Find yourself a hydraulic jack, a couple of steel-reinforced electrical poles and 50-60 million rolls of duct tape and you might have something there. Then, in the winter, the sloped sections are iced up, allowing for quick transit to and from the West Bank. My second idea involves adding a new requirement for enrolling at the University, and this especially applies to guys. When each person comes for orientation, I say they have to pass two tests: 1) They flush after relieving themselves, 2) They wash their hands. I think with these things, we would all be happier and healthier. Thank you for allowing me to voice my opinion.
GOOD FOR MORE THAN DROOL
From TricksnTreats: Hey there, Network. I just had to compliment you for being Net: Such a socially conscious, integral, well-read, omnipotent, deliciously juicy part of the high-quality paper that you are. The other day, I was up to my elbows in orange, pumpkin-smelling muck, Net: Were you hanging out with PeeWee the morning after a frat party again? You should really know better. madly scraping the innards and seeds out of my soon-to-be jack-o-lantern, and using the Daily to collect the soggy goop and protect my gray, trying-to-look-like-marble linoleum dorm floor from getting dirty. Net: It’s called a “mop.” Thanks to this fine publication, one layer was strong enough to hold the guts of a 13-pound pumpkin all the way down the hall to the bathroom garbage can without breaking! Stronger than the 2-ply, quilted, quicker-picker-upper, I’d say!! Net: Don’t thank us; thank the trees.
THE QUEEN SPEAKS
From Big Queen on Campus: All hail and glory, thou most illustrious Net! I know, it’s been a long time since I last wrote to your most utterly fabulousness, Net: Where’d the time go? Oh, that’s right. We got a life. but I’ve accumulated a few shocking observations that I’d like to share with your fellow readers:
A) Has anyone noticed that all the construction “workers” on campus never seem to actually be working? Net: Actually, it’s just that they’re so fast — red-jumpsuit-with-a-lightning-bolt-on-the-chest fast — that you can’t see them moving between breaks. Whenever I walk by any one of the many destruction zones around here, all I ever see are construction workers sitting or standing around, smoking cigarettes or eating. Net: The combination of Marlboros and ham salad is the key to their frightening quickness. This would be somewhat understandable if it only happened in the 15 minutes between classes, as I’m sure construction is difficult when all these students are walking about, but even during class hours I see these guys loafing around. No wonder all this construction is taking so long! Net: That’s what you think.
B) Here’s fair warning to all those IT geeks and freaks out there: I’ve been accepted (finally) into IT starting spring semester! Watch out, ’cause this Big Queen is going to enforce his fashion and party sense on all of you! Net: Like Sherman through Atlanta, so goes the Queen on his (?) devil-may-care rampage. May sanity someday again prevail. Soon you’ll finally be able to compete socially with all those CLAers who wish they were ITers. Net: That’s like fighting for a special corner of the toilet. Time to party like it’s … oh, never mind — I got sick of that one in 1982!
So, that’s it from his royal highness, the Queen. Love to all — especially my dear Network — and please, everybody have some cake!
