Net: Happy, happy C…

Net: Happy, happy Columbus Day, y’all! Today we remember the man who ethnocentrically “discovered” this continent, beginning the centuries-long extermination process known as “Manifest Destiny.” Not that we’re complaining — without Chris and his fellow homeys on the exploration beat, a lot of our parents would be working shit jobs in Europe, losing their jobs in Asia or living in Africa, where their ancestors wanted to be in the first place!
On that note, let’s go to our first letter, written in response to our Che Guevara memorial from Thursday. We’ll let the author speak for himself.

CHE: NO WAY

From CheMyAss: Oh Network … I always enjoy a good laugh reading your mighty entries, except now you pissed me off. What the hell is all this crap about the assassin formerly know as “CHE” — Che my ass!!! What a fucking joke. I know all you fucking “commies” out there think he was SO cool for supporting a Revolution and all.
Well let me break the news to you, you ass wipes. THE MAN WAS A FUCKIN’ JOKE and a murderer. Most of you assholes just support him “’cause you wanna be against the government” or some bull crap like that, anyways.
Anyhoo … Have a nice day!!! Net: Hey — you have a nice day too. And if you ever want to write in attacking us again, go ahead! We love to have such eloquent voices opposing us and expressing themselves for all to witness. Take care, CheMyAss, and hasta la victoria siempre!

KQ: TURMOIL COMES TO CAMPUS

From Frostman: Hello Net, good to see you’re still here. Net: What — was there a plan to get rid of us!? WHAT DON’T WE KNOW!?!?! Here’s the deal — I was walking back over the Washington Avenue Bridge when I saw some graffiti on one of the concrete walls behind Kolthoff. “KQ92 OFF THE AIR,” it said. Now as much as I would like to think a fellow Howard Stern fan wrote that Net: Impossible. That demands literacy, I have to believe that one of our Hmong friends defaced this poor little wall. Net: Now wait a minute. Can you say “leap of logic” here? Has it occurred to you that one doesn’t have to be Hmong to be offended by Tommy B. and the less-than-PC morning crew? Hey — maybe the graffiti writer just has decent taste in music.
For those of you who weren’t here, the story is that over the summer some Hmong woman killed her kids and KQ’s morning show poked fun at the incident.
Now rather than examine themselves or the circumstances that led to this mass murder, the Hmong community has chosen to kill the messenger and has started to attack KQRS. Net: Beware — oversimplification everywhere. You people need to get a life, there are far more important problems and far worse transgressions against your people than a bunch of DJs clowning around. Perhaps if you discouraged your women from having six kids by the time they’re of legal age they wouldn’t flip out and kill ’em.
I’m not saying all Hmong women do stuff like this, but I think it’s happened twice this past summer, which I feel is two times too many. Net: Right. And in the past year several adolescent white males have walked into schools and shot their classmates. Does that mean white guys are open to KQ’s wrath because of it? Hmmm … don’t remember a lot of jokes about the school shootings. And FYI, vandalism isn’t doing your cause any good. Defacing my beloved wall has only lessened my sympathy for your cause. Net: We won’t comment on what your arguments did with our sympathy for yours. We’re all for free speech at KQ. But whether it’s a wall of graffiti or slurring a community, let’s be careful how broad a brush we use when we paint things, ‘k? Peace out. We’re on to our next caller.

TODAY’S SQUIRREL LETTER

From MNRedneckette: Living in this “frozen shithole,” Net: We think we’ve started a buzzword and reading Network every day, I feel as if I have heard any and all of the stupid stories about squirrels taking over this campus. And until recently these stories merely resembled the talk of drunk freshmen as they peruse the streets of Dinkytown in search of their next kegger. Net: Erudite, poignant, etc. However, I now believe. Net: Quick. Call Robert Duvall.
As I was sauntering over to the lovely Carlson School of Management and all of the Carlson Clones that inhabit the building, I saw the leader of the squirrel battalion scoping out new hunting grounds. Net: Sure it wasn’t the acid? How do I know this is the leader of the squirrels, you ask? Because this squirrel is an albino! I immediately froze in my tracks as I saw those piercing eyes glaring at my sight, intent on attacking upon my one false move. So, I warn the entire campus, the leader of these cute, innocent squirrels is alive and well and ready to ambush this campus at any moment! Net: Thanks.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

From Demodave: Oh Network, doer of great good deeds: Help me — a humble beginner at the doing of good deeds Net: Obviously a TA, the likes of which can be achieved only by an entity so great and powerful as Network.
Help me return Catherine I. Shannon’s U of M student ID card to her. Net: Catherine, beware: NITWIT is watching you. She left it in the Electrical Engineering/Computer Science Building (on Wednesday, Oct. 7, I assume). I’ll bet she’d rather have it back than buy a new one. Net: Come to us, Catherine. Heed our call. You’re getting weaker. There, now. Soon you will be asleep, and when you awake you will have your ID. But you will never know what you lost. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Have a nice day. We’re outta here!