Net: C’mon party people, come join the craze. Everybody follow the anagram ways. All you gotta do is take a phrase, then change the letters ’round to see what it says (approximate rhyme).We had one anagrammist, but now there’s two. So here are some funky fresh ‘grams for you!ANAGRAM WARS
From Anagramaniac: I enjoyed The Anagrammist‘s anagrams on Wednesday, but she missed a few good ones:
Clean my skin woe.
I.E. loan W.C. my skin.
Intern Monica Lewinsky:
Tis lick’n many on weiner.
O, willin’ clit-man!
President William Clinton:
Monica, “Weird ‘n’ little penis”.
Net: Wow. We’ve started a fad. Or maybe a right-wing conspiracy — depends on who you talk to.PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
From Mack: I would like to share a little story with Network readers about another enraged University of Minnesota student. Net: All resemblance to all persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This better be interesting. As a second-year student trying to save some bucks, I decided to stay in the dorms again, picking Centennial as my choice. From the first day I moved in, I noticed something was different about this hall. Besides my cool roommate, and the two in the room across the hall (even though they are Packers fans), the hall is really “dead.” Net: Your comparison is undoubtedly clouded by the tremendous changes in maturity one experiences from first to second year. You see, people traditionally think that those who come past them somehow don’t have that special something like they did. There are University freshmen from 1936 who will swear that all fun ended when the 1937 kids didn’t know how to party.Everyone here is so antisocial, it is scary. Net: Not if you’re J.D. Salinger. Who knows, maybe the next Unabomber is hiding out here. Net: We think the current Unabomber is in Centennial. This whole Kaczynski thing is a right-wing conspiracy. And there is this one kid down the hall, “Frenchie” who takes like five showers a day. Net: Does he mutter a lot about evil technology? How about Vince Foster? I have been trying to get a peek in his room to see if it was disinfected or something. Net: In America, only the voters are disinfected.
The first rule I learned here is, never make eye contact in the hallway — that might mean you would have to say “hi” or something. As soon as my fellow hall members get into their single rooms, the door is slammed and locked tight.
This was strike one, but I could live with this small setback. The next disappointing event that occurred was when the election came to move back the quiet hours here in the hall. I was really pulling for the extension of normal hours, but strike two occurred when my fellow antisocialites quickly put that to rest. Net: Maybe they decided they needed some.
The thing that gets me the most though is the elevator situation. The $900 I pay for room and board (on the fifth floor I might add) should mean I get to use the elevator. But for some reason, the damn elevator is always “Out of Order.” Net: Do you really want to be on it anyway when the Clinton thugs are dropping political opponents down the shaft? The two hours a week that it does work, it is running idiots up to the second floor from the lobby and vice versa. I suppose I could thank Centennial Hall for having some of the strongest legs around campus. Net: We thank “Buns of Steel.” I think a membership at Bally’s Swim and Fitness is only like 50 bucks or something. Nine hundred sounds a little steep. I think I am getting ripped off, but then I think to myself (since everyone else is antisocial) I attend the University. Getting ripped off is part of the game. Strike Three. Net: And we’re out. Hope you feel better now.
THE XEROBOMBER STRIKES
From Xeroxing Bitch: As an employee of the University of Minnesota (where I work will be my little secret) Net: Let us guess. You work at the University of Minnesota! I just wanted to write in and tell everyone that I make up copyright laws for people I don’t like. So come on in and just try to get that book copied! Contrary to popular belief, I work not to get paid but to release all of my frustrations on my fellow students. Net: We thought you were paid to stay hush about your internship. It’s all a right-wing conspiracy, you know. Being petty really kicks ass! Net: Totally. “Free Falling” was a really great song. But seriously. Does anyone out here know the identity of this person (we do — our letters do not come anonymously, and it would be incredibly easy to reveal the identity of Xeroxing Bitch. Betcha wouldn’t want us to do that now, wouldja? Hmmm … it’s tempting. We might need some incentive to keep our composure. A nice backrub. A margarita at midnight. A nice job at Revlon. We’ll be thinking about you.And finally for today …
IT’S NOT EASY BEIN’ A TREE
From The Trees: FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KiLl oNe CeleBrITY EacH WeEK.
TheRe ARe nO SkIinG “aCciDenTS.” Net: Heed their words (ironically enough, we received this letter on paper). And be careful out there. Hasta la vista.