Net: And so the saga continues
SEESECTION
From PawnshopOh wise Net, tell me why I must be tortured so! Net: You’re a naughty, naughty boyMDNM I have been to the top of the mountains (Section 14) and now I am being placed in the Dead Sea! That is right oh fair Networkians … I AM STUCK IN SECTION 3! Why? Did my check bounce … did I pay less than I was supposed to? Last season I spent less money on my season tickets, and got to partake in the rapture of sitting in Section 14! Hearing drunk men and women tear down the opposing goalie, or hear how St. Cloud State just sucks … YOU JUST SUCK … was a paradise the likes of which you can only dream about! When I noticed the jacked up price, I thought, 20 bucks more is worth it for the pleasure of ripping on the cheerleaders the entire third period! Net: *sigh* Now I am stuck in Section 3, with single-game-ticket buyers who know not of the tauntings we had in the greatest of all student sections! I mean, how can people who know not of Section 14 help me in my quest to verbally destroy the referees? This season is a wash in my opinion, although I will still attend and try and make something out of my new worthless section! Net: Form your own band! Build instruments from discarded items that you find around Mariucci I won’t even have the band to rip on anymore when they won’t play the music to accompany our rants and roasts! Well maybe it ain’t all bad … I mean who wants to sit with the band anyway? Net: The band groupies, of course Band people scare me more than that Ganglehoff/Haskins person riding a scooter! So pray for me Network, I’m gonna need it! Net: Well, there’s always women’s hockey
From The Painted Gopher Fan: Network, I am one of those poor bastards stuck in section 3 this season. Net: Maybe we should sponsor a section 3 support group:
Steve: “Hi, my name is Steve and I have tickets in section 3.”
Group: (in unison)”Hi, Steve. How do you feel?”
Steve: “I feel hurt, lost and confused.”
Group: “We feel your pain Steve.” *applause*
Since I am one of the most vocal and colorful gopher hockey fans (I am the only face-painted fan there), Net: What about the cheerleaders? We bet some of them wear more face paint (make-up) than you I guess this means I may face more encounters with the rent-a-cops at Mariucci Arena. What I mean by this is that last season, during the UMD series, I was confronted by the U-cops during the second intermission. Net: Throwing squid on the ice again? Apparently, some of the old, stuffed-shirt types did not like the fact I was yelling myself hoarse and complained. Now this may or may not surprise you, but the cop’s exact words were, “Please calm down and act more appropriately. We received a complaint about your inappropriate behavior.”
Um, aren’t we students supposed to yell at hockey games? Net: No, a hockey game is a solemn time for quiet, soulful contemplation and meditation I hear so often about how awful the funeral home atmosphere of Mariucci is, yet when anyone tries to correct the problem, the corpies and their lapdogs (i.e. the rent-a-cops) crack down and stifle any genuine (read: not cheerleader) attempt at generating noise. Now that I’m relegated to section 3, I can only imagine how many more run-ins I’ll have with arena security due to the pathetic nature of those who go to hockey games and expect absolute silence … for those students who wish to extend their sympathy, feel free to Ü I’m in row 22 (apparently, not only do I have to sit in a worthless section, but I have to be so high up that I can’t scare the officials). Net: Closer to the snack vendors! Enjoy yourselves in the legitimate student section.
CLASSIFRIEDS
From The Flash It’s been a while, Net, how’s it going? Not bad here. So, anyways, this morning I was sitting in my class Net: Mistake ##1 and reading the Daily Net: Mistake ##2 while waiting for my TA to show up (who showed up about 10 minutes late, by the way). I pretty much read everything in the paper except Dr. Date and the classifieds section. Now I was pretty bored as it was, so I picked the less boring of the two Net: The page numbers?the classifieds section. I was sort of skimming the ads when I noticed, in the wanted section, underneath a couple of egg donor ads, an ad that simply stated: “I want to buy a mountain bike. I pay cash.” The hell? Net: DERP? I can understand that the person wants to buy a bike, but why the hell would you want to pay to put an ad about it in a newspaper, Net: Bikes are hard to find much less the Minnesota Daily? It’s pretty much the same thing as a person putting an ad in to buy an alarm clock. What do you think, Net? Net: It stinks. The whole thing stinks. The whole bleedin’ thing is a big pile of stinkMDNM
4-LETTER WORD FOR PISSED
From Hacksaw Jim CancerOh Net, what do I say to such an all-knowing and powerful entity such as yourself? Net: How about “Take my wife Á please!” Oh yeah, nothing really, I will just get to my stupid point. Upon arriving at Anderson Hall right before my four hour night class tonight, I took the ready-to-fall-apart ‘elevator’ down one floor to pick up a much needed distracter for my ensuing lecture, uh, I mean Daily, yeah that’s it. After sitting down, perusing through the paper for about 15 seconds, Net: 15 whole seconds? That has got to be a new record! Marketing says that the average time is only 10 seconds I reached the back page and looked at the crossword puzzle. What did I realize to my astonishment and surprise? It was the same one as Monday. Net: Maybe you just received Tuesday’s paper on Monday. Kind of like the “Early Edition” guy WTF? Sure reading the Network is fun, but that only takes five minutes out of my lecture. Net: If you’re only taking five minutes, you’re really not absorbing all you should from our hallowed prose. You have to read the words we’re not writing, “between the lines” if you will I still have three hours and 55 minutes to kill and Dr. Date and those stupid cartoons aren’t going to fill that time up. All I would really like to say is that to whomever is responsible for putting the crossword in the paper, I hope you rot in hell and get a vicious strain of genital herpes because you ruined my evening. Net: Those responsible have been sacked.