3-D porn event teases student body

This weekend the U Film Society hosted a 3-D porn movie eloquently titled “Disco Dolls in Hot Skin.” This titillating event demanded Daily coverage. Bearing this burden, I sacrificed my Saturday evening to attend this hallmark presentation. What transpired is a travesty, on which I will now report.
My friends and I arrived early, finding a line already growing outside the Bell Museum Auditorium. The feeling in the air was one of lighthearted revelry. Guys and gals alike were standing in line, chatting, laughing and goofing around, waiting for the theater to open its doors. Even a few teaching assistants were in the crowd. Apparently there’s nothing that brings people together like porn. I think we all felt akin to the early American settlers; we were about to enter the unexplored frontier of “Disco Dolls in Hot Skin” in 3-D.
But though the evening started gently enough, it soon became rough. People who had come prematurely were waving around their 3-D glasses, causing the rest of us to feel inadequate with “peeping envy.” Then rumors began to circulate that the movie might be sold out. People started to panic, thinking they wouldn’t be getting any this evening — tickets, that is.
While the general feeling had been one of buzzed and friendly euphoria, now the aspiring porn viewers were all hot and bothered at the thought of being turned away unsatisfied. People began writhing, pushing their way toward the front. As people who actually had tickets went to the front of the line, those without tickets started yelling at them, thinking they were cutting in line. Consequently, other students did, in fact, start cutting in line. Pretty soon what once felt like a love-in became a mob scene.
The originally small, limp line had suddenly become rigid and throbbing with angry people, eager to penetrate the doors of the theater. While they might say size doesn’t matter, it was evident to everyone that this small theater was neither wide enough nor deep enough to accommodate the girth of this crowd.
At last, as the theater began letting the crowd in, people started wildly thrusting toward the narrow entrance. Finally, my friends and I slipped through. The small lobby was soon engorged with students pushing to get tickets. Peering into the theater, you could see that the theater’s capacity had almost reached climax.
Students began mobbing the corner of the lobby where a lone ticket boy stood quite pitifully, his face anxiety-ridden with the overwhelming, frothing crowd. Evidently, the theater had never before received so many people. The look on his face betrayed his nervousness: As resident ticket boy, would he be able to keep it up, or would he suffer under performance anxiety, not able to meet the demand for tickets?
And here, the news story turns ugly. Just as the ticket boy turned his back, some student filched two boxes of 3-D glasses and quickly disappeared into the crowd. Ticket boy whipped around, angrily ejaculating, “Hey! Give those back! Those aren’t yours!!!” Hotheaded at this travesty, he busted his proverbial nut and started yelling at everyone, anyone, shaking his fists, infuriated.
Unfortunately, being virtually the only employee working the show, ticket boy found himself impotent to prevent or reconcile this molestation. To add insult to injury, when he was yelling and turning away, I witnessed a young woman steal the few leftover pairs of 3-D glasses and walk into the theater. He had been taken from both sides! Surely for him, it felt like a virtual gang rape of his authority as a ticket boy.
Needless to say, I was disgusted at theevidence of the amorality and brutality of mob thinking exemplified by our very own University students. Here we were, allegedly mature students pursuing higher education — and 3-D porn — only showing ourselves to be cruel and selfish, exemplifying the baser side of human nature.
I relate this story not for cheap thrills, but because I feel that we can learn many morals from it. First of all, to the U Film Society: When you show porn, make sure you are prepared. Many hopeful 3-D porn viewers went home Friday night, limp with disappointment, their various extremities blue from standing out in the penetrating cold. Don’t tease the student body with 3-D porn and expect it to go from hot anticipation to cold rejection. I’m not defending the mob, but it’s naive to think you can invite them over and then turn them away without incident.
To those students involved: Shame! Shame on you! You are a disgrace to the University student body and to humanity. You bring a bad name to all 3-D porn watchers. You are no better or more deserving of 3-D porn than the rest of us. It makes me weep.
Unfortunately, the bad behavior of a few rotten apples ruined it for the rest of us. With the glasses and tickets stolen, the rest of us were turned away, our once robust hopes now shriveled.
After these shenanigans, I wouldn’t have expected the theater to have the spunk to show 3-D porn again. However, the director is actually considering extending “Disco Dolls in Hot Skin” for another weekend in light of its popularity.
Whether I’d go again is questionable. After all, I felt cheap and degraded the next morning. Then again, that probably means I would.
Matthew Brophy’s column appears on alternate Tuesdays. He welcomes comments to [email protected]