Net: Well, we survived. It was long, it was tough, dare we say, it was grueling. But the worst is behind us now – an entire month of school is finally behind us. Personally, we never thought we could get through the entire first month of school without mass quantities of Da’ Malt, but we rose to the occasion. Sure, finals are closer than ever, but at least we’re done with those frickin’ midterms … Holdonasec, we never took any midterms. And we haven’t been drinking nearly enough, either. What? We’ve only been in school a WEEK? Someone will pay for this, you bet your vinyl Hall & Oates collection, someone will pay! We need a weekend!
Speaking of which, we also need more letters from Networkia. For the love of Jeebus, the two letters we’re printing today are super long and one of the authors (and we use that term loosely) has been writing in all month … Excuse us, week. Anyway, if you don’t write in, we can’t make fun of you. And as everyone knows, being made fun of in Network is the way to true fame.
Freshfreaks, this is your chance to have your voice heard and then be slapped across the back of the head for your insolence! Sixth-year sophomores, now is the time to tell us what it’s like to hit on post-secondary, letterman jacket-wearing students when you’re ten years older than them! Everyone, seize the day and tell the world about being naked in public!
You have your mission. Go forth.
THAT GUY STRIKES AGAIN
From Jose Canseco: Hola, Net. Net: Bonjour. I wish we could meet under more pleasant circumstances, Net: Like at a kegger? however I’m still reeling from a massive encounter with THAT GUY. So I’m sitting in class today Net: You went to class today? Ha! We’ve skipped three classes a day all week. You’re lagging behind. and the instructor is doing role call. Now, every normal person raised their hand when their name was called. Net: The University prefers mindless masses to unique individuals. However, when THAT GUY’s name was read, he replied by saying “All present and accounted for.” Net: Now THAT GUY is definitely a THAT GUY.
I met this booby response with the noise that Sideshow Bob makes when he hits himself with a rake. Net: We oughta get an endorsement deal considering the amount of Simpsons references we get day-in, day-out. And speaking of THOSE GUYS, what about THAT GUY acting as the computer lab attendant? He sits there, looking about as approachable as Albert Belle, Net: Just a sec, we need to picture this … Eww, there. while meeting each new lab user with a bowel-twinching grimace. When asked for assistance, he acts as if you’re interrupting some major goings-on. Net: Minesweeper. like twinkie eating or butt-farting Net: As opposed to … You know what? Wedontwannaknow. perhaps. Then he gets up and assists you by whizzing through various programs at mach speed with the mouse, in a manner such that one would never be able to reproduce the procedure in question. Net: How to find the good porn. Anyhow, while I’m in the process of stereotyping, here’s a few more. You there, with the rolled up T-shirt sleeves, Net: Throw ’em up against the wall! go suck on an exhaust pipe. Oh yeah, and you there with the hair completely matted down except for the little spiky tuft in front, welcome to the year 2000. Net: Only 114 days left – better start getting Y2K compliant. And you, over there with the f***in’ visor … you gotta be sh*ttin me. That’s it. I speak my peace and keep my piece. Word. Net: Go ninja, go ninja, go!
THE BIKE LANE IS NEVER ENOUGH
From supersparkle: Howdy, Network. Net: Yippee-kai-yay, mofo. Kudos on your high readership. Net: Yeah, readership is so high, we have a full TWO letters today. We thinks Peewee should come back for some grad work and a Net entry or two. People were actually kind of staying out of the bike lanes, (good job, everybody!) except for those few idiots who are still practicing some kind of ridiculous teenage rebellion. Net: You’re not our real mother! Yup, motionintheocean, that’s you. Do you see why I think this is such a stupid school, with people like you actually saying things like “I was walking in the bike lane …”? You’re stupid Net: She said she’d say it, and she did. She called someone “stupid.” At this time, we want to make it clear to all you dummyheads that we don’t necessarily condone name-calling, but we’re not about to stop your butt-ugly faces from doing so. Jerks. and you’re wallowing in it. It’s called a bike lane for a reason. And don’t pull that sh*t about “Oh, I walk so far so I get to walk in the bike lane.” Net: At this time, we also want to make it clear that Network walks wherever it damn well pleases. As for the rest of you, conform. I bike two miles to school everyday, and before Net: At this time, we feel it is very important to point out that Network will also interrupt you any time it pleases. You have no authority. that I parked on the free side of the world and walked, also. I just walked on the part of the sidewalk that didn’t have little people with the universal symbol for “no” over them painted on it. You dumb*ss. And as for picking on my adopted moniker, well that’s kind of the pot calling the kettle black, don’t you think? Net: “Hey, Kettle, you’re black.” “Yeah, I know. So are you, Pot.” “Whoah, trippy.” And speaking of pot, Net: Here we go … school is really getting in the way of my summer habits. the DT’s finally stopped from the abrupt Tuesday end to my three month beer binge, so at least I can start taking notes. Net: Was that “spy talk”? And on one last crabby note, there were only three things I liked about the University of Minnesota: 85 cent Cokes, the green apple soap in the bathroom, and Professor Kruttschnitt in the soc dept. Net: Is this an equation or something? and now a Coke is ninety cents! Do they think we forgave them for those big green snow piles that came along with Surge? I think not — I want my nickel back! Net: It’s only a nickel. It’s the principle, really, for all you University Princesses saying to yourselves, “Sh!t, supersparkle, it’s only a nickel.” Net: At this time, we feel it must be known that Network is NOT a University Princess. Think of us more as a court jester. Oh, and to clear up the seeming confusion, Net: Thank goodness. it’s Miss supersparkle to y’all. Keep on truckin’ (just not in the designated bicycle path). Net: You bettah run!