Not because I’m envious (I’m anti-Freud) but because apparently I need one to tell me how to dress, as I have learned from reading the April 26 article, “If you’re sportin’ ‘floofy’ skirt, listen up.” by Adam Fabian, and from a few Network entries.

I used to think that how I dressed was a form of self-expression, like when I choose to wear my “The Only Bush I Trust Is My Own” T-shirt to a political rally or a band T-shirt to a concert. Sometimes I wear a shirt that shows off my tattoos, and sometimes I wear a skirt because I like how it looks on me, or because all of my jeans are dirty.

Well, silly me! I am not supposed to dress for my own comfort; I am supposed to dress for the penis. Not any penis, mind you, but one that is the authority on what women can and cannot wear, particularly when it comes to clothing that reveals the female figure. That’s right; it is my responsibility, as part of the opposite sex, to dress to entertain the penis, as that obviously is my only source of pleasure in life.

I need not worry, though, about what rules apply, because men such as Fabian and some ever-so-intelligent Network contributors have done their part to remind me. Fabian provided a list of rules on how I can “be on (my) way to floofy tennis skirt hotness,” and the Network entries taught me to make sure I am not too fat to wear revealing clothing.

Well, folks, here is what I have to say to men who preach that kind of rhetoric: Get over yourselves, because your penises’ quality of life means little to me.

I am not against dressing to catch someone’s eye. I know I dress differently if I am on a date versus going out on an average day. What I am against, though, is the idea that women always have to dress for the heterosexual male gaze, and that they should hide their bodies because they do not meet society’s standard of the thin body.

If a woman is comfortable wearing clothing that reveals what Fabian calls the “FUPA (Fat Upper Pelvic Area),” get over it. It is her body, her choice. Just as it is a man’s choice, for example, to wear clothing regarded as feminine instead of something masculine.

This is not suggesting, however, that our own ideas about attractiveness should not matter. Rather, it is about not insisting that other people dress in accordance to our desires. We can just hope to find people who satisfy them. Like women who wear short skirts? Then look for women who like to wear short skirts. You might not like all of them, but no one is forcing you to do that.

As for the “dressing slutty” argument, it needs to end. What a woman wears should not be read as a sign of her sexual conduct, nor should we continue to have double standards of sexual freedom for the sexes.

If you want to continue calling women sluts because of what they wear, then here is the deal I am willing to propose: All men who are equally sexually active must wear an orange armband at all times. After all, I deserve to know which men are sluts if you get to know which women are sluts. It is only fair.

So, to everyone, dress however you want, and to the men who are not bastards, I wish your penises the very best in life.

Jen Parshley is a journalism and cultural rhetoric of images and electronic media communication senior. She welcomes comments at [email protected]