Net: Well well well…

Net: Well well well, here we go-go again. Back in the saddle with the Daily’s best friend. Hopin’ that you had the freshest holiday cheer, here’s a NITWIT wish for the phattest new year.
Please remember, all you fellas and you ladies. If you don’t write Network, we’ll send you all to Hades (aw-yeah). We’ve got a blank slate Rosetta stonin’ bonin’ to excite. But to keep the party goin’, turn your modems on — and write.
Happy holidays. To the mail, tontos …
HOLIDAY GRRRREETINGS
Net note: This is one of the oddest letters we have ever received. From Sean: Hello all, just wanted to wish everybody a (for the most part belated) happy holiday season Net: Uh, thanks. I hope everything has gone well for you over this past year, and that the future looks bright as well. Net: Oh, yes it has. We’ve continued to successfully hold off the squirrels, we’ve fought the forces of oppression and creeping Nazism, and last week we had an intelligent thought (too bad we weren’t publishing). For those of you either in the Twin Cities or those who might be planning a visit (hint, hint), give me a call or an e-mail sometime. Net: Do you really want to invite the entire readership of Network to drop by for coffee? It would be just like what happened in L.A. after Rodney King was acquitted. I’d love to get together with you for coffee, or just to talk or whatever. Here’s hoping that 1998 will be a wonderful year for everybody. Love, Sean. Net: Thanks, Sean. We love you too. Kind of odd to get such a warm, personal letter. But we’ll go with it.
A related topic: Does everybody hate those annual Christmas letters that everyone gets as much as we do? If so, SEND THEM TO US. We want to read your Christmas letters. Tell us about the past year — all your successes, how happy your family is, all that bulls##@t that comes with the smiling portrait this time every year. Network would like to know more about you. Bring it on.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
From Christy: Attention concerned journalism students: There will be an opportunity for students to discuss their concerns with Dean Steven Rosenstone about the merger between the J school and the Speech Comm department. We’ve got to pack the place!!
The meeting is TOMORROW from 2 to 3:30 p.m. in the President’s room at 320 Coffman Memorial Union. And be sure to pick up a copy of the final, full task force report in 460 Folwell or 215 Johnston!
HOWL
From Slank42: I see the weak, mommy-money, daddy-car boys don’t seem to realize that they can never escape the barcode life of an automaton they have been the way are since the immature days of high school. Net: We have seen the best minds of our generation wasted on the rocks of Abercrombie & Fitch. Beware. I see that they haven’t even been able to come up with any new examples of the so-called nerd herd. Net: Who needs new examples when you have Bean? Can’t you figure something else to rip on them about instead of playing magic and belonging to the chess club, it’s old. Net: Well, for one thing, most of them have bad haircuts. And their Jenny McCarthy posters are invariably stained. Not to say that I wouldn’t like to call you all sports-loving, steroid-using, date-raping $%##-holes, Net: Not that you’d stoop to stereotyping, like they do, that is old too. Instead, I would like to lean to how you will more than likely spend you worthless little lives:
You will probably graduate, and I’m sure some of you will graduate with honors. Then you will find a job somewhere where you must lick as much ass as you can in order to obtain a higher salary Net: We’ll see how you do in your job interview with Pizza Hut, Slank, and when you do obtain this raise you realize that you’re about 43 and that you haven’t got the time to spend the money on yourself so you decide to save for your children’s “college fund.” Net: How awful — paying taxes?! Raising families!?! Sending people to college!?!?! Next thing you know they’ll try to make the world better. Good thing you’re trying to save ’em, Slank.
You will have been married for about 14 years now so you’ve been jumping on the same hobby horse for a long time and you’re beginning to get bored Net: Or maybe fulfilled. Life, unfortunately, is not a satellite dish and a remote control, and you haven’t been able to maintain an erection for over 5 minutes, you wife decides that your college days are over and decides to jump on another man who didn’t let the trials of the daily hum drum get to his penis, me. Net: And you’ll finally lose your virginity. Wow. We’re glad you finally found satisfaction. Can we have fries with that? That’s when you realize that you were too worried about showing off to the world and you never took the time to be yourself. Net: Unlike you, and your wonderful ability to define yourself through hatred of others. Granted, you may have money, but I’ll be the guy who decides one day to rob a bank, your bank. Net: Such aspiration! I will get away because I don’t worry about the automatonic soldiers that earn our money — that’s the police if I’m being too vague. Well I’m kind of sick of writing about barcode number people like all the Tommy boys, and Abercrombie morons out there, so find me if you can, and don’t worry, I’ll be waiting.
DERIVATIVELY SPEAKING
From Billy Joe Bob: The other day I was trying to determine if and when the universe is going to end by taking the second derivative of the universe expansion function (function derived from taking the average change in the doppler effect of the stars and galaxies over time). Net: So, how’s that Jenny poster treatin’ you? But I keep getting 42 as the answer Net: Maybe your towel is draped too tight across your head, (should be about zero), so I don’t know if I am doing it wrong, or if I don’t really understand the question.
I realize I have strayed from the normal topics of freshman dating and squirrel conflicts that occupy this section Net: But hey — it’s a new year — let’s get a new one goin’, but this is a university publication (you know, higher learning), or at least that is what a group of gray squirrels told me.