Experts were astonished Saturday evening when a cow spoke to them in perfectly fluent colloquial English. While watching television, the group heard a low voice from behind them. When they turned around to search for its origin, they discovered it was in fact from their laboratory Holstein cow.
“The (show) credits were rolling, and from behind us came this voice,” testified one dumbfounded expert. “When we all looked, we realized it was the cow talking. Then Bert said something about how the cow was talking, and well, it was.”
“It was the most amazing thing I had ever heard,” said an expert that asked not to have his name revealed.
The cow in question, Mr. Pokey, was standing in his stall as his caretakers, several experts from the Milwaukee Science Laboratories in Houston, Tex., were watching “The Simpsons.” Apparently as the show ended, Mr. Pokey spoke up, revealing his thoughts on the show.
Unfortunately, the incident happened so quickly that not one of the experts took notes.
Experts agree that the experts weren’t all that much of experts. Luckily, an “expert” expert had a basic 4-track recorder in the lab so that he could record his boombastic b*tch-ass vibes during his coffee break. He was quick to utilize it for a new purpose. The recording picked up most of the conversation between the cow and the experts:
MR. POKEY: “(“The Simpsons” theme music in background) is pretty funny, man. That Homer, what a goof.”
EXPERT ##1: “Holy [expletive]! That [expletive] cow just [expletive] talked!”
MR. POKEY: “Well, duh.”
EXPERT ##2: “[expletive] say something else, [expletive]!”
MR. POKEY: “No.”
EXPERT ##3: “What? Well, why the [expletive] not?”
MR. POKEY: “I’m not some kind of animal to perform at your whim.”
EXPERT ##1: “The [expletive] you [expletive] aren’t!”
MR. POKEY: “You know, this is exactly the kind of thing you humans do that made us cows just never want to talk to you. No one needs your potty mouths. It’s high time that you learned to treat everyone with some respect. Like Stevie Wonder sang, ‘there’s a ribbon in the sky for our love.'”
EXPERT ##3: “How the [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] does he know about Stevie [expletive] Wonder? [hyphenated expletive]!”
EXPERT ##2: “[expletive]!”
EXPERT ##4: “Hey [expletive], my tape is almost out, just let the cow [expletive] talk so we — ”
The tape abruptly ends at that point, but the conversation between the experts and Mr. Pokey went on for more than six hours. Finally, the group came to a point of atonement with each other. Sadly, that peace was shattered when they attempted to order pizza, but could not agree on a topping; the main problem being that Mr. Pokey is a vegetarian.
Pirated mp3 transcripts of the historical exchange are running rampant across the Internet.
Experts and cows alike are working to make this situation the biggest thing since diced paprika. New research facilities are being constructed. Thousands of cows have given up their lives of grazing and thousands of experts have given up their lives of recommending products to be a part of this history-making communication. Meanwhile, millions of jobs will be created when factories begin the manufacturing of urine sample jars large enough for the cows.
Not everyone is seeing this communication between man and cow as a good thing, however. Several groups have cried out with their own reasons for having sneaky suspicions and not liking this one bit.
“The Ranger isn’t going to like this,” said bear and sidekick Boo-Boo. “When (Yogi and I) started talking, there wasn’t much of a who-to-do about it. We’re demanding retribution for all of the misdirected publicity that cows are receiving for finally talking in front of humans — almost 50 years after we bears ‘came out of the mute closet’ so to speak.”
Boo-Boo is reported to have intended his pun.
The Official Organization For Tremendous Advancement of Humans has publicly stated they feel Mr. Pokey is a racist and speciesist.
“Those comments are unnecessary,” said OOFTAH public representative Enrique Martin. “Humans have every right to have and I quote, ‘potty mouths.'”
On the other side of the spectrum, the For Animal Rights Treatment society is rallying a cry against the experts for apparent cruelty to animals.
“No one needs to be sworn at like that,” stated FART spokesman Ricky Iglesias. “Well, maybe Matt “Fatty” Arbuckle, but certainly not cows.”
“How the [expletive] did I get mixed up in all of this?” asked a perplexedly perplexed “Fatty” Arbuckle. “Who wrote this?!”
The experts and Mr. Pokey intend to release their first book, tentatively titled “The [expletive] Cow Speaks,” by the end of the year.
“And to think that all that time we were only saving Mr. Pokey so that we could eat him,” shrugged one exasperated expert that couldn’t possibly be Bert.
Copies of Stevie Wonder’s album “The Original Musiquarium I” have been selling out across the country.