BYnGONES
From Yngwie: Oh, Lord Network, I have sinned. I doubted you; my faith in your ultimate power, I admit, was shaken. In my blind agony, I did blaspheme you and your wonderful forum. I have already flogged myself for my transgressions. I beg of you, help me find my Net: Drumroll please … keys. I can’t even get into the pantry to feed my dog Spike. Think of the dogs, please! Poor, fluffy animals, helpless in the outside world! CLA grads, you surely know what I am talking about! Put yourself in his shoes, and you know how he feels! Please, forgive my lack of faith. I assure you that from this day forward, I will be your faithful lackey. Net: We exculpate thee, Yngwie! If you do pardon our temerity, we shall pardon thine insolence. Here’s the deal, folks. Lost: fat set of keys, somewhere between Anderson Hall and Dinkytown. Networkians, keep your eyes open … for the love of Spike!
DUDE DRIVE
From Denis the Menis: Please … if you could just stick this at the beginning of one of your Networks, I’d appreciate it! Net: It’s all part of the new plan for a kinder, gentler Network. Nah, not really.
To All Kind and Caring Students Who Either Live or Have Class on West Bank: Delta Sigma Pi Net: Dealt a sick Ma pie? is hosting a food drive this week to benefit a West Bank food pantry. There are orange Net: Ooo! our favorite boxes that can be found in and around CSOM 1-112, just waiting for you to contribute food to them! It’s a great way to give back to the community, even just a little bit. Thanks.
ANYTHING YOU CAN DO
From The Dread Teacher Roberts: I’ve been thinking Network. Net: It’s good to “think Network.” Makes you smarter. I’m better than a lot of people. I’m better than Jesse “The Moron” Ventura because I can form correct English sentences. Net: Hmmm. Let’s see about that. Maybe I don’t do it all the time, but I’m not all that bad at it. I’m also better than stupid women on this campus that spend hours making themselves up in the morning and Net: Ahem, a “who” here would’ve made this sentence correct then walk to class in the cold Minnesota winter wind with no hat or gloves. I have enough self-esteem to not care if my hair is messy from a hat. Net: Yes! Go, hat-head! I’m better than smokers. My addiction to coffee is less expensive, smelly and dangerous. Net: This sentence, if read carefully, insinuates that drinking coffee is smelly and dangerous. I’m better than freshmen, because I’m going to be out of this great institution long before they will. Lastly, I’m better than anybody who attends UW-Madison and UW-Stout (enough said). Net: We doubt anyone can attend both schools simultaneously. I am not better than the Dahli Lama, James Bond, Hillary Clinton or Steve Martin, just because they kick ass. That’s it from my side of the fence. Have a better day than I did.
TINKY PINKY
From The VP: I’m sure everybody has heard by now about Jerry Falwell’s recent attack on TinkyWinky, the gay Teletubbie. I must say that I am very disappointed. Once again the gay boys take center stage while LESBIAN TELETUBBIES remain invisible. I am speaking of course of our favorite lesbian sister in all of Teletubbie land — Po. Net: The bisexual and transgender Teletubbies didn’t make the cut, evidently. I know that some of you will disagree and try to tell me that Po and LaLa are just good friends. Net: Do you think their coming out party will be as big as Ellen’s? But if you watch the way that Po handles that scooter you know that she is destined to ride in the dykes-on-bikes contingent in the Teletubbieland Pride Parade.
From Cot-boy: Excuse me Clark Kent, Net: Who we will remind y’all, so politely asked students requesting state education funding to SUCK IT UP allow me to retort. I have a question, how much of an idiot are you? The thing that you don’t seem to realize is that if an individual becomes more educated, he Net: Or she! C’MON! This is supposed to be a politically correct forum!! is not the only one to benefit. Society as a whole improves. I question whether or not the governor knows that; I think he has come to that realization during his one month in office — he has some really good people working for him. Net: Many of which he raided from the University. So go over to Morrill Hall and give it a big wet kiss. Now, I don’t want to ruin your week, but quite a bit of “your” money is already spent here at the University, and it seems as though the administration is pleased with Gov. Ventura’s budget proposal, so it looks like its going to stay that way. I might suggest that you are a bit of a hypocrite in your statement, that you wouldn’t want to use Minnesota’s money for your education, Net: Actually, he said he didn’t want another penny … a persnickety detail, perhaps, but he did cover his ass 43 percent or so of your tuition was paid for by the citizens of Minnesota.
On the subject of single parents, I don’t care if you went to Carleton and paid for it yourself by hanging Sheetrock full time, while maintaining a 4.0 gpa. You don’t know what work is. You don’t know what responsibility is. You won’t until you become responsible for a child, and you’ll probably be lucky enough to have a wonderful woman show you how it’s done. You’ll probably ask your parents to watch the kids one night now and then so you can have a break and take your wife out to dinner. Now imagine raising a child on your own. Imagine the heartbreak you would feel watching your child pay for your mistake. I don’t see any good reason why one child should get any less of a chance than another, especially not to teach that child’s parent a lesson.
Listen Superman, give your “I’ve got mine” attitude a rest; it isn’t going to solve any problems. Herbert Hoover proved that rugged individualism and pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps does not work very well; we need to help each other. I want to get this through your head — education is good for everyone. It reduces crime. It reduces pollution. Net: Huh? It makes this place a nicer place to live. Of course you probably think tax dollars would be better spent building more prisons, moron. Net: We favor floodplains. Good day.
