The coolest, most exclusive student group

Just like Maranatha has the only way to heaven, we have the only way to heaven on earth.

While the Ski and Snowboard Club holds no public position on the Maranatha Christian Fellowship issue, we take very seriously the comparisons that have been drawn and the assumptions made about our group. We would also like to take advantage of the University’s new discrimination policy and formally challenge Maranatha to a competition for the coolest, most exclusive club on campus.

Before the University’s recent ruling, our club was open to all skiers and snowboarders, not just the elite. However, in light of the University’s change in policy, we are now able to implement our program to remove unwanted members. Each week, we have an open forum for anyone to nominate members to be voted out. The next week, the nominees are voted on, and approved by our council elders.

This policy is a gift from the University, separating the wheat from the chaff. The truly remarkable thing is that removing people from our group doesn’t decrease our revenue at all. Our club still can rake in money from University Student Services Fees.

Our club is appalled about the assumption that we attempt to regulate what our members eat Tuesday, or any other day of the week. Our club has no intention of discriminating on something so trivial. However, we do intend to remove: cross-country skiers, alpine snowboarders, telemark skiers, snow-shoers, hikers, goofy-footed snowboarders, generally poor riders and anyone else deemed uncool by our club “elders.” These people do not represent the ideals of the ski club, and it is ludicrous to even suggest they should be allowed to rub shoulders with our elite membership.

Why should our club be compared to Maranatha in a way that makes it seem “a little different”? Religious or cultural groups shouldn’t be looked at any differently than a club that focuses on a sport or hobby. We take skiing and snowboarding (and other activities) very seriously, and look sternly down upon anyone who does not share our beliefs. Fortunately, the University policy allows us to cleanse undesirable heathens.

So be ready for a much leaner, sleeker and fundamentally sound Ski and Snowboard Club this year. With your student funds backing our discriminations, we will have plenty of money at whim, but fewer people (challenging our perfectly sound views) pestering us to represent everyone equally, thus soon making us the coolest, most exclusive club on campus. Come one, come all and join us in Telluride, Colo., this winter break. But only the most elite should apply, because just as Maranatha has the only way to heaven, the Ski and Snowboard Club has the only way to heaven on earth.

Adam Heaney and David Dellanave are co-presidents of the Ski and Snowboard Club at the University. The group does not actually use any Student Services Fees. It is sustained completely by member dues and fund raising. Please send comments to [email protected].