Aspiring frat member tells Borchard to chill out

I would just like to take the time to comment on Greg Borchard’s column, “Journey into the heart of greekness,” May 28.
I am not a greek, but am looking at some houses right now. The thing is, I have a lot of friends already, and it didn’t cost me anything. So, why would I join a fraternity if I didn’t need any more friends?
Let me tell you.
To enhance my education through alumni connections and undergraduate connections; these people could provide assistance for my homework and can also provide me a bridge to a career after college. Let’s face it, frat guys make more money after school than regular guys.
To have fun. Drinking beer is fun. Meeting girls is fun. Sitting out on the porch on a nice, sunny day is fun, dammit. Sure, some of the guys might get out of hand once in awhile, but life is short, you’ve got to party hard.
To get more involved in the campus spirit. Greg Borchard might not have spirit, and that’s his prerogative. But I like a little spirit; it just makes life in college more fun. It’s so much more fun to go to football games and play anchor man when there are more guys and gals involved in the festivities.
To live in the heart of campus. Fraternity row is the closest housing to campus there is. Location. Location. Location. That’s what I’m talking about, Greg. If you have classes in Folwell Hall, for example, all you have to do is roll out of bed in your jammy jams and you’re there. “Bonjour classe. Ca va?” It’s that convenient.
These are just some of the reasons that might intrigue a young buck like myself to join a fraternity. Now here’s some other reasons that might intrigue some guys to join a frat:
To have access to beer, alcohol and beer. It’s bloody convenient having beer around the house. But I don’t think any of them can have kegs. Nonetheless, beer warms you up and loosens you up so you can relax a bit during college. In high school, you didn’t need beer to loosen you up; sports or music or other extracurricular activities gave you a way to vent yourself and just go crazy. Not all of us can still play sports, or be in a band anymore.
To hang out with beautiful girls. I don’t know about you Greg, but wouldn’t you like to meet some cute sorority girls, who aren’t too shy to admit their true feelings. Sorority girls are great because they are so honest and spirited. They like to have fun, too, but they are dedicated to traditional things. Their smarter than the average girl, as statistics would show. How many times have you been to an all-guy party and than a girl walks in. It doesn’t matter if she’s taken or not. Girls just have something about them that makes them fun to be around. They smile more often than guys and always smell nice. Girls make parties into parties.
Anyway, you kind of get the point by now where I’m going with this letter. So what if my reasons for joining a frat are to drink and pick up chicks; it’s not illegal, is it? Didn’t you see “Boogie Nights,” Greg? That guy is a star. What he does is not illegal. If I had a dude that big, I’d be doing that to make some real money. But I don’t. So, I think I might join a frat and try to become a star.
It’s nice having fraternities around because they keep it real. Walking down the row is fun. You get to hear all that music and it just puts you in a good mood. Did you know that the reason malls play music in their stores is because shoppers spend more when music is playing. Probably because they are happier.
And that’s all I’m saying, man. I just want to be happy. And being in a frat would make me happy. Don’t worry about us drinking and talking to girls. Just do your own thing. I am not knocking the fact that you are a columnist or anything. So why must you knock fraternities. So you don’t want to join, big deal. They’re not for everyone. In fact, my brother is not cut out for college. You think that bothers me? Yeah, it does. But I respect his decision to not go to college. Why don’t you give us a little more respect.
Besides, “Seinfeld” is over now. What the hell else is there to do around this campus if the frat row is shut down. They’re the heartbeat, man. Peace, out.
Jimmy Tenderfoot,CLA freshman