>From Rich the Copy Guy
Hey Net, what’s up? So I was strolling about campus the other day and made my way into Walter. I was wondering what’s up with the inflated copy prices here at the U. I remember back in my day as a second year senior, about 2 years ago, copy prices were something like 8 cents a page. Now they’re up to 15 cents a page with this thing called a U card and 20 cents if you’re paying cash. Why can you head over to a UPS or Office Max store and make a copy for about 3 cents? Where’s this extra money going to? Perhaps to fend off the imminent take over by the squirrels? You’re all knowing, you want to fill me in? Net: Well, it all goes back to the Missouri Compromise of 1820. At that time, clerks or “clarks” as they were then pronounced, had the monopoly on document copying. Jacob Hassenpfeffer, a recent immigrant from the Alsace-Lorraine, had an idea for how to make more money by cutting out the middleman Ö. To make a long story short, the U uses the extra money to buy new Jaguars for all of the administrators with titles you can’t understand who never seem to actually do any work.
Kudos to that columnist that wrote of the drudgery of university life Thursday. How the hell am I supposed to get my four hour siesta in when I have a couple hours of class most days? Net: Class doesn’t seem to hinder the boys in Astronomy 1001. They want me to take time out of my masturbating to read some stupid pages? Net: You could always combine the two activities. Enough is enough. On top of that, I have to go through the excruciating pain of being a sixth-year in a class full of dumb-assed freshman. Net: And whose fault is that? Girls, who the hell are you putting on 10 layers of makeup for? The teacher who’s 10-70 years older than you? The pathetic boy next to you who jerks off to britney spear’s debut cd 8 times a day? And do you think cramming the word “like” into your sentence 7 times is going to impress the same people? Oh, but their male counterparts are even worse. Besides the excess jacking and drooling, they’re dumb as rocks. The girls pretend to be dumb, but these guys are naturally bone-headed. Jesus christ! I have spoken too much of these sick fools. Just a word of advice to freshies: don’t wear your class of 08 t-shirt with pride. Keep quiet, do as you’re told, and if you never mention how proud you are of your high school graduating class, you just might be mistaken for a sophomore transfer. We all hate your kind here. Net: Hear, hear! Freshlings: You might think that we’re all fascinated by the alphabetical listing of graduating seniors from Fergus Falls Combined School District, but frankly, we’re not. Or perhaps you believe that this naked acknowledgement of your cluelessness is going to protect you from our taunts and jibes. Sadly, you are mistaken. Nothing makes upperclassmen see red more than sitting down in a 3000-level class and seeing a freshman walk in. You should all be straining to see professors from the back of one of those big Anderson Hall lecture rooms and leave the thinking to your betters.
Why do people go to Sally’s, Net? It’s by far the grungiest, diviest bar on campus, yet it doesn’t have any of the redeeming charm or character of a place like the Dinkytowner. And every time you walk by there at night, it’s packed with exactly the sort of people I’d usually cross the street to avoid: cookie-cutter blond cretins with no taste and no sense of shame. Net: It’s a mystery that has perplexed University intellectuals for ages. Perhaps we’ll never know.