An immodest proposal

Why are only contraceptives being considered? There’s much more at hand.

by Andrew Johnson

When the Senate voted down the Blunt Amendment last week, which would’ve allowed institutions to opt out of providing birth control coverage for “moral reason,” we saw this was a clear-cut issue through the 51-48 vote and required no further debate.

Unfortunately, our system burdens us by making us equally value and consider others’ opinions, including those who disagree with the birth control coverage “humandates” (to be politically correct). If these mild-mannered fanatics would take a moment in between their Friday fish frys and state wrestling tournaments and look to Europe, then maybe they’d see how to properly provide “basic human rights” to members of our society.

In 2010, the Daily Mail reported the more refined British government was providing funding for its citizens to “fly to Amsterdam and have sex with a prostitute.” In one case, a man’s social worker said “[r]efusing to offer him this service would be a violation of his human rights.” Never mind that these girls have experienced their share of human rights violations — most notably to their bodies if they forced into the sex trade — what’s important here is they’re merely serving as an apparatus to fulfill another individual’s “human rights,” as determined by the compassionate British authority. If American taxpayers, religious institutions and health care providers could just start embracing this idea that they’re simply supposed to act as facilitators of such vital God-given — I mean state-given — “human rights” like birth control, they’d see the compromise and sacrifice of personal beliefs and individuality is worth the price of the coverage.

Given the concern of providing the “basic human right” of sex, and the ease to have it, on the table (or wherever you prefer), I propose other measures to accommodate those that have a fear of transatlantic flights or don’t have the means to access these assumed rights.

My first proposition is the creation of the Wingperson Training Foundation, or the WTF, which would coach functionaries in areas such as “totally in your league” motivational rhetoric and not-as-attractive-friend conversation engagement. Beneficiaries would be matched with wingpersons that are noticeably shorter, uglier and less interesting but also animated enough to keep the atmosphere lively and fun.

When WTF proves successful (as government programs tend to), but you still need privacy for your rendezvous, the Hotel-Offer Entitlement would be available. Along with EPA-approved rose petals spread onto the bed by licensed sprinklers, the program would also include a post-congress (not post-Congress, unfortunately) cigarette to top the night off, which would be funded by cigarette tax revenue. States would play a role too, as they’ll have a say in how to adequately satisfy their citizenry’s needs. In Minnesota, if your partner doesn’t keep you warm while cuddling, civil servants will address the matter after cozy verification.

Let’s make sure that we make birth control a “basic human right” — a right that was introduced to humankind as far back as half a century ago — before getting ahead of ourselves.

Amidst the outcry against these “humandates,” the administration said it would try to “accommodate” these concerns. Fortunately, not much changed, so individuals will still need to appeal to the government if they want approval to exercise certain personal liberties. In the words of Jonathan Swift, once opponents realize that we supporters “have not the least personal interest in endeavoring this necessary work,” and have “no other motive than the public good of [our] country,” they’ll see they’re being just as preposterous as Swift’s proposal to take the life of newborns. Now, who would ever conceive of that?