Research reveals best places to ‘go’ at the U

Okay, so my friends and I were talking in the bathroom the other day and it totally struck me!
What could be more important to students than knowing what’s up with bathrooms on campus?!?
And I’m totally into journalism and issues that affect people my age, so I had to write about this. I mean, who wouldn’t want to know where it’s safe to duck in, cross your legs and pray, you know what I mean?
I spent all Tuesday visiting bathrooms on campus and seeing what makes them tick. And here they are, my top five all-time greatest University bathrooms:
5. Lind Hall basement
Let’s face it: English majors have some serious issues. But they sure can make up witty graffiti! If you feel like some deep reading, come early and hop stalls often.
4. Rec Center locker rooms
Yeah, there’s the nakedness thing, but if you meditate and block that out, you couldn’t want anything more: tons of spacious toilets that are totally sterile looking. Turn up your headphones and pee in paradise.
(Isn’t this going awesome!?!)
3. Rarig Center basement
One word: seclusion. There’s so many stalls and no one ever goes down to the end. The lighting is bad, but close your eyes, imagine the actors performing and be whisked away! Next time you skip class, head to this West Bank bathroom. It beats the mall!
We’re so close!
2. Veterinary Anatomy Building, 3rd floor
Okay, going to every stall on campus took longer than I thought, so I never actually made it to St. Paul. And I guess I don’t know if the Vet Anatomy building has a third floor.
But I did talk to this guy who lives near there, so I have a highly placed source.
That guy heard this bathroom was paradise, with fancy hand-washing fountains and automatic sensing doors. There might even be those talking and self-cleaning toilets like in Germany! Besides, it’s an anatomy place, so they have to have good bathrooms.
But now I was totally stumped for a number one bathroom. I called my friends, but they thought I was getting kind of weird and wouldn’t talk to me. Not even my horoscope knew what to do!
And then it hit me: University President Mark Yudof! He’s probably been to every building on campus and would totally know about all the bathrooms.
So I called him at home and read him my list. But he just said, “If you think those are good, you should see my personal bathroom.” Then he started this scary laughing. It was kind of weird, so I hung up.
But I still had a deadline! So, being a good journalist, I went back at 2 a.m. to dig around in the toilets.
And it totally paid off! I met this knowledgeable janitor guy. He was named Milos or something, but I called him “Mike.”
Mike totally agreed with my list. He said something like, “Why are you wasting my time with this?” He meant it was so good I didn’t even have to bother showing it to him.
Plus, I got his secret. He acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about, but while he was leaving I got him to let me in on the location of the best bathroom on campus.
So here it is. According to Mike the janitor, the number 1, all-time greatest bathroom at the University is…