Halloween is here. Your friends have been coming up with costume ideas since mid July and you, in the midst of midterm mania neglected to think up a single outfit. Fret not my fellow friends and fiends, whatever your style âÄî clever, classic, slutty or scary âÄî IâÄôve got you covered with ideas that can be thrown together for next to nothing and are guaranteed to get you noticed.
So you wanted to be something classic. ThatâÄôs fine. OriginalâÄôs not your thing. If you had the time, you say, youâÄôd have been a zombie, but zombie competition is fierce and the last thing you want to do is throw together a makeshift zombie costume. Well, if you want a costume that says youâÄôre brainless, will follow someone obsessively until you devour them and that you are inexplicably the fascination of guys everywhere, just steal your girlfriendâÄôs sorority shirt. Voila! Instant zombie.
Maybe you were thinking of being a hobo. You have a lot of flannel shirts and you thought the whole stick with a bandanna thing would be easy to pull off. The trouble is, it loses creativity points. After all, that kind of hobo is a played out thing of the past. Not to worry. You can rock the modern hobo easily enough. HereâÄôs how: Borrow some of your dadâÄôs work clothes (like a button down and a sport coat), toss on a pair of jeans and a backpack, and go as any one of the schoolâÄôs underpaid graduate-student professors drowning in debt. Nowadays, it doesnâÄôt get any closer to hobo than that.
Or maybe youâÄôve always been partial to Disney characters. When you were three you went as Cinderella. Eight was Belle. Fifteen: Baloo. (Teenage years are hard on everyone.) Realizing itâÄôs too cold for a seashell bra, you find yourself up a creek without a paddle. No problem, you princess-loving primadonna. Paint your boyfriendâÄôs Greek letters onto any old t-shirt and find yourself instantly transformed into one of NeverlandâÄôs Lost Little Boys.
These ideas are fine, you say, but what about me: the student so unbelievably broke I literally do not have a stitch of clothing to my name. In fact, I only make it around campus by holding my textbooks in front of my lap. What costume ideas have you got for me?
Well, my textbook-toting flasher, your lack of clothing actually puts you way ahead of the game After all, Halloween has certainly become more about being barely clad than it is about being scary.
Two ideas come to mind for those taking scantily clad to a new extreme. The first: Keep rocking the books-as-shorts and go as âÄúsmarty pants.âÄù Your book choices for this costume matter, though âÄî be sure to ditch the potentially embarrassing Less Than Zero or Little Women. Instead, opt for something that signals to the ladies that you are approachable and substantial âĦ A Perfect Day For Bananafish perhaps?
Option 2: Ditch the books altogether. Find someoneâÄôs kid sister and rob her of her trick or treat loot. If she cries, just remind her sheâÄôd rather keep going as Belle than Baloo, wouldnâÄôt she? Once home, glue random pieces of the bounty to your feet and go as Candy Corns. Not another stitch of clothing necessary, and youâÄôll still be the most autumnal one at the party.
âÄúThose ideas are cleverâÄù you yawn, âÄúbut I donâÄôt want to be clever. IâÄôm clever every day; IâÄôm a student, remember? Besides, I want to be something really outlandish! I want to go to not just one Halloween Party, but every Halloween Party, and I hope to be legendary at each. I want a costume that will make everyone from Little Bo Peep to the Dominatrix look amateur! What ideas have you got for me?âÄù
Sheesh. Sounds like you want to go as my mother.
âÄúMe and my roommates all want to dress up together. Individually, we have a ton of great ideas, but together, not a one. We just end up being loud, yelling over each other and before you know it the whole night is gone and all weâÄôve achieved is a buzz.âÄù Hmm, a group from Minneapolis whoâÄôs brilliant at the solo stuff but together hasnâÄôt come up with a single thing worth its potential? Go as the members of Gayngs. Sounds like youâÄôre well-rehearsed.
âÄúOK, these ideas are all right if you just want to be glib, but I want something real. I want a costume that is sexy, clever and scary. It is Halloween, after all, and not one of your ideas has been scary.âÄù
Right. Got it! Go get a brownie mix. Add the oil, skip the egg, etc. When you get it to just the right delicious, gooey consistency, smear it all over your torso. Be as haphazard as you like. PerfectionâÄôs not the point here. Take a clear shower curtain. Fold it in half cut two leg holes out of the folded side. Then, seal the outer edges (not the top) using an iron to melt the plastic. If you have a blowtorch, use that. Step in and have someone else help blow torch the top until itâÄôs closed over your shoulders. Obviously, donâÄôt seal it around your head, and be careful of the flame near your hair. You arenâÄôt supposed to be going as Michael Jackson.
Keep in mind, if your homemade goodie bag springs a leak, thatâÄôs totally OK. It will only add to your rich, fudgy scent. Once you are sure that your clear plastic pouch is securely on, pick out your favorite pair of shoes, stand back, and let the attention come to you. After all, what could be hotter than a chick covered in chocolate brownie mix? When that person youâÄôve been eyeing canâÄôt stand it anymore and makes his way through the crowd to ask what you are, bat your eyelashes, smear a little chocolate on his cheek, and say, âÄúHoney, IâÄôm a sexy colostomy bag.âÄù I canâÄôt promise youâÄôll be his first, but I can guarantee youâÄôll always be his number two.
Scary. Sexy. Clever.
Happy Halloween!