University students hideous

After the inconsistent weather of this past winter, it was discouraging to see how unprepared University students were for the annual shedding-of-the-clothes that seems to occur each spring. Instead of all of the hot little tighties running around in tank tops, and the tan, muscular frat-boys with their tight, hairless little asses, campus is being swarmed by pasty white cleavage and sunburned beer bellies.
The appearance of most members of our student body belies the gallant, athletic Scandinavian heritage of our state. Historically, University students have been more attractive than their other Big Ten compatriots — the women have always had great racks easily given up each weekend to any non-IT male, while the men always appeared like athletes trained for semen-injection. Recently, though, undergrads appear more like students from the University of Wisconsin — where big asses and small penises are genetically preferable — or Iowa State, where students are honestly just too stupid to know how to improve their appearances.
It is not the basketball scandal or the hideous architecture that are embarrassing to students at the University — it is the students themselves. Hopefully, the self-esteem of all Daily readers will now plummet, which will then encourage them to either transfer to another school, or work out in their residences without making public appearances.