Net: Dolorous, then…

Net: Dolorous, then, our spirits will be; upon discov’ring how divided are we. What then, Phaedrus, is quality? For we are quick to ask, “what’s new?” and slow to ask, “what’s best?” Are we only inclined to love, then, that with which we’re born, familiar, sufficing; and not with that which shines brightest among us …?

From Peewee: White Bear Lake? Those people are not nearly as bad as the morons who live in North St. Paul. If you wanna discuss idiocy then how can you not bring up a city whose sole claim to fame is possessing the world’s largest artificial snowman? They are so proud of this ugly monstrosity that they force all of us who use Highway 36 going east to view that immense eyesore every day. Net: Which is only compounded by having to look at the Gateway Center all day, yes? While I do agree that the people in White Bear rank somewhere beneath living room furniture on the intelligence scale, they pale in comparison to the lunacy and all-encompassing nit-rodity (that’s my new word!) Net: We’re in favor of word-inventing contained within North St. Paul. So I cast my vote for the worst Twin City Suburb to be North St. Paul, which is a little bit of Minot N.D. in our own backyard. Net: Harsh …

From Edinamite: All this slander of White Bear Lake has got us Edina folks feeling left out. I thought WE were the original cake eaters. Net: You are the ONLY cake eaters. Have the tides shifted so far as to bless White Boy Lake with that hallowed title? Everyone KNOWS that our student-to-Abercrombie item ratio far surpasses anything in modern day standards, so don’t even try it, Cracker. Net: Q – What do Edina mothers make their kids for lunch? A – Reservations! AAAH, HA HA HA HAAAAA!
But really folks, if you can’t drive a Hummer to school, just don’t show up. Net: Yeah; nothing like the feeling of safety we get when Priscilla Prance-a-lot pulls up next to our humble subcompact in an 8,000 pound artillery-resistant implement of mobile destruction (The parking lot is actually a sport utility vehicle convention.) Net: You mean the overpriced, poor-handling, rollover-prone, gas-guzzling, hyped-up, death-inducing roadhog lemming-mobiles? The same ones that comprise less than 20 percent of automakers’ total sales, but 60 percent of automakers’ total profit margins? The ones that have less room than your standard ’80s station wagon and less cornering and braking ability than your standard cargo van? Yeah, we see lots of those in Edina. Of course, if you couldn’t milk mommy and daddy for the army surplus war machine, (to drive to school in a suburban gansta’s paradise, as it were), you will, at least, go down to Cancun for spring break — maybe even Jamaica if you are lucky and daddy can sell that mansion with the country club golf course that comes into the backyard. Make sure you “booth it” for at least two months, in advance though; gotta make sure that you look a wrinkled elephant gluteal.
Just remember, ya’ll, Net: Yay! See — y’all is catching on! Even Edinamites aren’t afraid to use it that when it comes to the fast track to yuppiehood, Edina IS the highway and White Bear is just, well, White Trash.

From Classy Gal, with love: I am writing in response to Ted’s ass-kissing entry. I have one question for you Tedster … Have you actually been reading Network lately? If so, there is no possible way you can say that they are doing a great job. They have done nothing but suck for the past year. Net: We find your lack of faith disturbing. I have wondered what happened to Network and now I finally have my answer.
It appears that they are Vikings fans. Net: Not true. We are nothing more than shameless bandwagon-jumpers. Go: Vikings/Falcons/Jets/Broncos! Boo, Packers! Booooooo!
Before all of you Packer slammers (otherwise known as Vikings “fans”) jump on my back, I would like to say that the Vikings obviously have an amazing team this year and deserve all of their success. Their fans, however, do not.
If there is one thing that I have learned during my five years here, Net: And how many more will it take, classy one? it is that Minnesota Nice is a complete myth, especially among Viking fans. Net: Minnesota Nice isn’t a myth; it’s a joke. We’re tired of being nice here. The majority of you that I have run across are rude, obnoxious, loud and arrogant. Net: Funny; most FOOTBALL fans we know go to games to be congenial, exemplary, quiet and humble — especially when confronted with fans of the opposing team. How could this be?
Who taught all of you that shooting down the Packers and their fans equals supporting the Vikings??? Net: The wise old sage who told us that the two teams are not only cross-state rivals, but also happen to be in the same division. Looks like you took your attitude from your star criminal Randy Moss.
If you had any class whatsoever you would know how to handle a winning season with grace and pride instead of one-liners and insults. Grow up!
As for the beginning of a Vikings dynasty, Network, soon you’ll find out that the free agency monster will come and take your precious Randy Moss away and then you will be left with the same crappy team of old. And I’ll forgive you from now on if your section sucks, after all, you are only Vikings fans.