Recently, a debate has erupted at the University concerning the room temperature at Wilson Library. Students complain about having no safe place to secure their heavy winter coats while endlessly searching, under the blistering heat of the Library’s furnace, for books that exist only in the fantasy world of MNCAT. Consequently, students are forced to conduct their queries with their jackets on.
Because of the lack of a coat-check facility, students are being forced to wear their winter coats in the oven-like atmosphere of Wilson Library. During this quarter alone, 41 students have suffered heat stroke at the library, and six unfortunate students suffered the grisly fate of being cooked to death in their own parkas. Despite the overwhelming need for a coat check facility, the Board of Regents announced that funding for such a project will ” . . . not be available forever and ever.”
The Board went on to state that, “Any additionally monies that would have been available for such a project are being allocated towards the renovation of the exterior paneling on the Weisman Art Museum. The board feels the current state of these panels no longer contributes to the collective campus community spirit.”
Not to be discouraged, the student group known as the HO-HO’s (Hot! Ouch! Hot! Ouch!) has lobbied for celebrity endorsement of their cause. The group is hoping that well-publicized efforts will help to change the Regents’ position. This group has successfully gained the endorsements of two high level celebrities. Charlton Heston and Tom Selleck were recently asked questions, via telephone, about the student cause they have so graciously opted to champion.
Minnesota Daily: Mr. Heston, it is a privilege and honor to speak with you.
Charlton Heston: (Bang! Bang!) What! Oh yeah, cut the crap son. I fully support the kids. (Bang!)
MD: What was it about the issue that made you decide to get on board?
CH: (Bang! long pause … Bang!) What!? The Second Amendment clearly states we, as Americans, have the right to bare arms. (Kabooom! Bang! Bang!)
MD: That’s right! It’s about bare arms. Students’ arms are suffering in their coats. What do you have to say about the students that died?
CH: What!? (Bang! Bang! Bang!) I don’t care what the Democrats say. Those kids died in that war so that all of us could bare arms. (Bang!) Are you gay? (Bang!)
MD: We are fighting a war, but endorsements like your own are going to help us win. And no, sir, I’m not gay.
CH: (Bang!) Good. (Bang! Bang!) You know, what people don’t seem to be able to get through their thick (Bang!) skulls is that racks like this in public places do nothing more than promote the safety of the good Americans that frequent such places. (Bang!)
MD: Sir, you’re right. Even a coat rack would be better than what we have now.
CH: (BANG! BANG! Long pause … Thump. Thump.) Now you’re talkin’ some turkey, young man. I thought there was nothing over there but (Bang!) Democrats. I like you, son.
MD: What is the message you would like to send the Board of Regents?
CH: (Bang! BANG!) You tell those Democrats that they won’t seem so clever when our planet is colonized by the (Bang!) ape men and those students got nothing but empty racks in the library. Here, Selleck wants to say something.
Tom Selleck: Hello?
MD: Wow! Tom Selleck! It is indeed an honor to be speaking to you, sir.
TS: Shooting teaches young people good things. Because all good rules for shooting are good rules for life.
MD: Mr. Selleck, I recently saw your NRA endorsement in an issue of Time magazine. I must say, you look darn sporty for a man of your age. How old are you?
TS: I’m 73. But, more importantly, it’s time spent together that blends character-building lessons about respect, responsibility, (Off in the distance … bang, bang) our heritage and especially, our Bill of Rights.
MD: Mr. Selleck, what message would you like to send to the Board of Regents?
TS: Safety first. Pick up after yourself. If you don’t know, ask. Take care of your gear. Watch out for others. Honor wildlife. Honor your heritage. So whether it’s an afternoon throwing clay birds or getting up at dawn in turkey season or just cleaning grandpa’s side-by-side, you can’t lose.
MD: Uh…
CH: (Bang! Bang!) You tell those Democrats to leave those kids alone. They should be honored with medals. All they were doing was (BANG!!) fighting for the Second Amendment. (Click).
The difficulty of ignoring the testimony given by these prominent celebrities would constitute the will power of a donkey and the wisdom of Solomon. Simply put, there must be some money somewhere that we can spend to install and operate a coat-check in Wilson Library. Before the next winter season descends upon us, the Regents should give serious consideration to the coat-check funding dilemma. In the words Mr. Heston, “Racks like this in public places do nothing more than promote the safety of the good Americans.”
Jim Shikenjanski and John Ritter, on behalf of Charlton Heston and Tom Selleck