Net: Uncertainty br…

Net: Uncertainty breeds malevolence. It’s tried and true, a bona fide maxim in Networkia. For those clinging to the rungs of our quaint society, a wee shift in reality unfailingly leads to tormented questions — not mere hows or whys, mind you, but rather the sort of queries which mire us all in the muddy waters of introspection.
As Burns (no, not Montgomery) once said, change is “Nature’s mighty law,” and even we at the highest levels of Networkian evolution are not inclined to disagree. So fear not, little ones; all is well. Don’t get your collective undies in a bundle.
Or was it undies in a collective bundle? Or bundles in a collective undie? Or …
From Yngwie: Network, what the hell is the shite you’ve been printing lately? Net: Ink on paper. Any more questions? Has the Minister of Concurrence secretly taken over and thus tried to subconsciously express his morality of fire and brimstone using the vessel of this fine half-page? Net: Welcome back to the show. When we last joined Network, the MOC went on a … well, a “vacation.” Next question. Or has your opinion of us sunk so low that you believe all we need is to be titillated Net: Titillation need not be a bad thing, but to clarify, we were merely taken with the antics of the cradle-robbing-baby-brother-humper. Couldn’t help it. (“shtonk?” What the hell is that?), to be beaten over the head with nonsubtle remarks about da pigs? Net: We stand corrected. “Pigs” is much more subtle.
What is really important here is that with the change to semesters, school is about three damn weeks away, and God still has not gotten up off his lazy ass Net: He’s busy watching NFL Films. It’s that time of the year, you know. to smite all the idiots around here that make up roughly 64.9 percent of the campus! Net: We had no idea there were that many people working in Morrill Hall. The thought of yet another year with those dolts is terrifying. Blah blah this, rationalize that, a bullshit lie here, a drunken stumble there, here a lay, there a lay, everybody copping a feel … in the name of the Amida Buddha! Net: Old MacDonald would be so proud.
I suggest that you and the MOC get together, eat a few Reds, find a cassette tape of “Let it Bleed,” and listen to it over and over until you figure out exactly what is important here on this campus and what is not. Net: In fact, we’ve been busy crunching numbers on our Tandy Important Topic Selector (no titillating acronym necessary) and one thing is clear — we’re at your mercy, oh glorious giver of thought. I’m not going to give you any hints; you’ve got to find out on your own. Net: Can this be over soon? We have to meet someone for “a few Reds.” But hurry, before it’s too late for all of us.

From AudPaud: In response to Wednesday’s entry by Bufeyfey, I would like it to be known to all Net readers: This is NOT the first time Bufeyfey has attacked one of her “supposed” best friends’ little brothers. Net: Next on FOX: “When Horny Best Friends Attack!” Recently, when my jailbait brother was visiting me, he became the object of her lust. Net: Who can blame her? There really is nothing like the smell of underaged jailbait to get our juices flowing. Even though my disapproval was known, she proceeded to throw herself at him with no remorse. Net: Where were oversexed vixens like that when we were young’uns? Bufeyfey, how can you be proud of your conquests and where they have taken you? Net: It might be time for Bufeyfey to take a long, hard look in the mirror and face those inner demons. Or call Loveline, whichever comes first. It disgusts me that you have found time to publish your sex life, but are unable to pick up the phone and apologize. I am glad to see the sexual pleasures you’ve been receiving from your friends’ little brothers means more to you than our friendship. Thanks for the memories! — Your ex-best friend, AudPaud. Net: Now, really, didn’t Bufeyfey learn anything from that torrid Monica Lewinsky saga? Granted, she was the older one, and, well, it was just someone’s little brother, and … umm … well, never mind.
From Anarchy Inc.: In response to Kidd-O‘s comments on the brain-dead cops of Minneapolis, Hallelujah! Finally someone has come out on Network and given these useless bastards the kind of respect they truly deserve. Net: Anytime a group of brain-dead bastards comes up, Net aims to give them their just due. Call it a public service, call it heroism, call it what you will. It’s just who we are. It’s quite depressing that we are paying these poor excuses for human beings to pull over kids on bicycles and fill their quotas for speeding tickets. Net: Now, now, they’re just doing they’re jobs. It’s all very clearly spelled out in police regulations under “Having Fun With Civilians.” After all, those who speed are MUCH worse than rapists and murderers! Net: They’re also easier to find. I admit, I have an intense hatred for most cops simply because most of them choose to power trip rather than actually do their jobs. It’s that type that makes all cops as a group so hated. Net: Especially those damn bluecoats who get their shoes in the way of our puke at block parties. I’ve driven through Minneapolis so many times and seen cops with their lights on and their cars jutting out so far into the street that it could cause a serious accident! I would think they know better, but they think they are ABOVE THE LAW! I think it’s time to make cops accountable for their actions and abuse of power just like everyone else. Net: Yeah, just like the way we punish presidential cover-ups and stuff.