Net: OK, Networkian…

Net: OK, Networkians, the large, slightly bloody booger (Item ##1000017594) is only up to $1.30 on E-Bay. Frankly, we’re very disappointed. Get bidding!
From WackyLosingStuffPerson: PLEASE HELP, for the LUVA GOD! I lost my green backpack somewhere near Scott Hall on Wed, Oct. 10th, and I need it VERY badly! I believe it was misplaced in the greenspace area between Scott, Eddy, Elliot and Burton halls in the area of 2-4pm on Wed. There is a highly substantial cash reward for its finding and return. Please Net: E-mail network if you find it THANK YOU IF YOU CAN HELP!
From Pwar: Dude! ‘work! Um … it’s late, so that means that it’s about time to do something stupid on the internet. (Last night I visited E-bay Net: Haven’t bid on the booger yet, have you? I’m now three days away from owning a speaker pillow.) Yeah. So, might as well send the almighty Netwark a big ol’ e-mail.
Here we go: Pwar‘s Top Ten Places on Campus to Have Relations: (Disclaimer: These views represent nobody. Not even the dork who wrote ’em. Maybe Antonio Banderas feels this way, but he’s famous. And that’s OK.)

10. Joel’s place. He has a futon.
9. Metrodome. Anything’s fun on the 50-yard line. Net: Nah Á too sterile.
8. Your mom. Net: HOOO AHH!
7. In the river. Wet chicks rule. Net: Agreed
6. Sigma Beta Phi. This house is bumpin’, ’cause everybody’s … you know. Net: On roofies?
5. Coffman Union. Gutted out building = Romance.
4. On the Internet.
3. On the phone.
2. CSoM. It’s pretty and plush in there. Net: And you can pay with stock options rather than cash
1. Network. Would you consider anything less?

From SlutnotAslut: (I’m sure your bad self can figure out this one): I would like to offer a response to Gordita‘s question, except that I gotta little problem. I don’t have anyone to be doing it with on campus. Any takers? (Dark-haired hotties most welcome.) If I did have a man to be gettin’ it on with at this fine institution, I think my ideal place would have to be atop the Washington Avenue Bridge. Net: Beautiful U Day would acquire a whole new meaning After a night of steamy sex, what better place to be than one with access to the Miss (that’s the Mississippi for all you Sconnie peoples, of which I must unfortunately count myself)? I promise a super-kinky night of passion, especially with the cast I’m wearin’ right now on my right hand. Net: You broke your hand?!? It must have been a LONG time since you have had a date Cheers, Net. I’m gone.

From Buckaroo: Net, it’s been awhile since my last entry, but the BUCKAROO is back, bitch! Anyway, I agree with the poor quality of the entires on where the best place to screw is … here’s where and how … On a nice warm day two beautiful people go to Northrop Mall to see Brother Jed preach. These two people, a couple, are dressed up as Jesus (in a white flowing robe) and Mary Magdalan Net: Hopefully it’s Yvonne Elliman! yummy (slutty, yet christian-conservative {like a republican}). They sit down in front of Brother Jed and proceed to kiss and fondle and pet each other to maximize stimulation. Then he, as Jesus, takes off his gleaming white robe to reveal his gleaming body, hard and muscular. She takes off her garb and her soft supple body is there for all to see. By now Brother Jed is popping wood … at first these two are romantic and gentle, then he grabs her by her firm ass and pulls her in and on top and upright-Indian style. Net: A generalization: Network readers (and writers) have exceedingly too much time on their hands They NUT like bunnies in front of Jed, using him periodically as a brace. And then, as soon as it started, it finishes, and Jesus and Mary retire back to Palestine (or the Superblock, whatever).
Net, I say make this a challenge. The first couple to screw in front of Jed AND disorganized religion at the same time should get a prize Net: *sigh* OK, we’ll give them the booger (or at least a collection should be taken up to get em out of jail). Now, off to play with my man nipples and watch the Big Lebowski … Don’t NUT with the Jesus! Net: Leon is a badass, too

From MohawkJoe: Hey! What’s up with the article about cell phone etiquette in the business section of yesterday’s Daily? It’s not as if CLASS were so important that some annoying ringing of cell phones sprinkled around warrants all this bitching and moaning … and what does this all have to do with BUSINESS, anyway? Net: Wethinks it was to fill space Oh, well. Also, Bad Religion are probably one of the most understated yet wildly-talented bands of our time, the best place to have sex on campus are the EE-CSci building elevators, scooters suck, if you think Minnesota is cold NOW, you best move along, and that smelly-ass Nasty McShasty can lick my NUT.

From AngryWhiteMale: Okay, I know this doesn’t have anything to do with hockey Net: Then why are we printing it? (a wonderful sport based on glorious violence. Personally, I feel bad for the women who aren’t allowed to check. How are they supposed to enjoy themselves if they can’t hurt each other?), the best place to have sex on campus, or anything to do with the campus at all. It does, however, have to do with annoying people who seem to be a staple Network topic. My beef is with Concert Wenches, the generally underage girls (though some continue this awful behavior into their twenties) who go to concerts, dress like whores, and take up all the choice places on the floor because they know everyone Net: We don’t get it. What don’t you like? (most importantly, drunken horny male versions of Concert Wenches) will see them there and maybe even take them home. The Wenches get in the way of everyone who came to see the band with their training for the day they can actually get into a bar to go about their whoring. Will someone please get these girls fake IDs so they can hang out at crappy bars instead of local music venues? (The Concert Pimps are usually old enough but are looking for younger meat) Anyway, that was long and rantful. Net: Indeed. Have a good Friday the 13th everybody. Arrrreeeeewwwwww Á