FOR YOUR PUBLIC SERVICE
Net: Having braved Adder‘s black attack, we are proud to announce that you have HEEDED OUR CALL and taken seriously our request for public service announcements. We begin today with two, both of which we are sure will captivate your interest.
From UnixGeek: In the spirit of helpfulness that pervades Net lately Net: Because Net is here for U, I am writing to inform you all about the Association for Computing Machinery student group’s free Unix classes. They continue this week: today at 1:25 p.m. in Lind Hall 305, and Thursday at 3 p.m. in Akerman 319. Before Week two is over, resolve to come to a class and learn enough Unix to use your IT lab account for your programming class. Net: Yeah! And if that doesn’t turn your crank, try this:
From Paladin: The vending machine in the basement of Ford Hall is dispensing 30 cent Kit Kats. Get ’em while they’re cheap. Net: Now that’s putting your money where your mouth is. Thank you, Paladin — you get the NITWIT Star of the Week.
I got greedy, though — I went for the third ‘Kat. Net: Understandable — gluttony is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. It got stuck in the unforgiving rings. So I guess I got 45-cent Kit Kats. May you have better luck. Net: Remember, folks, Ford Hall. On your marks, get set … and on to more mail.
YOU CAN KEEP YOUR WEED IN IT
From Cheech Marin: Hey doodz! How about that Hemporium article in Tuesday’s Daily paper, man? Owner Chris sez, “My inventory is 90 percent unrelated to the smoking of marijuana.” My mathematics tells me there’s 10 percent weed there, doodz! Last one there is a rotten huevo! Net: Whoa. Dude. Let’s go to the Hemporium. Hey man, we don’t even know what their truck is made of. Stay away from any guys who look like Stacy Keach. Whoa.
CAUGHT IN A FUNK
From Bring On Da Noise: I’ve got a “NEWS FLASH!” for Captain America and a physics lesson for Lil Milton. Net: Looks like the easy ridin’ paradise has been lost. If Captain America and his fellow crime fighters want their three feet on the street, they should get their two wheels off the sidewalk. Net: Or, at the very least, they should grow another foot. If you want the same rights as motorists, you must accept the same responsibilities. Net: Yeah. Get those ozone-producing exhaust fumes going! This means (and here’s the FLASH) cars don’t drive on sidewalks Net: Obviously you’ve never seen an action-adventure flick, and neither should YOU. If you’re too afraid of cars, then maybe walking is a better option for you. Anyone brave enough to fight crime shouldn’t cower at a Geo Metro. Net: True, but cars don’t kill people, drivers do — and we’ve seen some pretty scary folks behind the wheel. From my perspective as a pedestrian, I’ve got to say that sidewalk bikers suck like an 8-pound Oreck.
I hope some high school physics student can free up some time and tutor Lil Milton. Just in case no one’s available, I’ll break it down into the simplest words possible: Force = Mass x Acceleration!! Simply, (your ass + 1 bike) is going to have MORE mass than just (your ass). More mass means MORE force. More force means more pain when your ass meets the ice.
Neither the gyroscopic effect of turning bike tires, nor the direction of force applied by a tire to the ground will make your ass hurt less. Net: True — but do you have to be such a smart — never mind. Sorry.
LIKE, WAY COOL CLOTHES!
From Fashionably ’80s: My sister is a model, and recently moved to New York to cash in on the big bucks thanks to our well-connected Eleanor Moore agency here in Minneapolis. Her news flash Net: Notice today’s obsession with news flashes. Why don’t we ever hear about flash floods? Or hot flashes? Is it the weather? Demographics? Surprise us if you dare this past weekend was that the last runway show she did was super ’80s. The CARS and the CLASH and INFORMATION SOCIETY played as the models strutted down the runway sporting geometric eyeshadow shapes and big shoulder pads and Cyndi Lauper-esque ensembles. Net: That’s so unusual. Are you sure Dante didn’t describe this in canto 68? Or maybe Ezra Pound … She was kinda freaked. Call it her Midwestern charm, but she said the vibe was like being at the Loring on a night when the place is 99 percent populated with Eurotrash wannabes, in Gawdawful Van Damme ponytails and cheesy waiter’s garb duds. Net: But how else is one to rock the casbah? You might think we’re crazy, but all they want is food. There were even some leggings on the females.
Leggings! They may never have left the fashion scene in Biwabik, Net: Where they never stopped cuttin’ loose, footloose … but they’re supposedly going to be THE item by next summer or early spring. Net: Resign yourself to it. Remember when everyone made fun of ’70s clothes? But they came back anyway. As the Boss once sang, “Everything dies, baby that’s a fact/ But maybe everything that dies someday comes back.”
Bananarama being way better than the sorry Spice Girls Net: Except that, unfortunately, the Spice Girls have never been sorry about anything. I’m still surprised to hear of an impending Reaganomics flashback. Net: News flash for you — it never left us to begin with. One of her friends went on a casting call for the NEW “Love Boat,” so it’s the beginning of Armegeddon.
Heil Michael-J.-Fox.-P.-Keaton. Net: And achtung baby to you! But don’t sweat quite yet. The retro thing won’t be out of control until you see Berlin residents putting up a new wall out of nostalgia.
