Net: It’s impossib…

Net: It’s impossible to understand.
For what seems like eons, Network has been inundated with entries about squirrels. People are in love with squirrels, fear squirrels, have conversations with squirrels or are convinced that an army of squirrels is poised to run roughshod over campus like Sherman through Atlanta.
For the most part, we’ve played along. We even got caught up in the squirrel furor for a time, mostly as a diversion — a college thing. But the time comes in every Net’s life to shed the vagaries of youth and proceed to a more profound state of consciousness.
Unfortunately, despite our repeated attempts to the contrary, some of you — a certain Insane Viking in particular — can’t seem to take the hint. Therefore, we must do what we can to clarify:
From this day forward, nary an utterance of squirrels — be they gray squirrels, red squirrels or militant squirrels — shall appear in Network. Furthermore, impudent Networkians who choose to fill our inbox with banter about said rodents shall be subject to possible banishment, temporary or otherwise, from Networkia.
So it is written and so it shall be done.
Alrighty then … who wants to pick on some freshpeople?

From Spacely: Most glorious and exalted Network, Upset Frosh has committed a horrible wrong by proclaiming that the freshpeople keep up and defend long-standing University traditions. The first and foremost example of this is that tradition dictates upperclassmen must tease and torment the freshpeople, so by suggesting we should stop, he is already breaking with tradition. Net: That little bastard sneaked that one past us. Never again, slugger! Never again!
Secondly, I suspect that Upset Frosh has no clue about many of the great traditions of this University, along with most of the student body! Net: Color us guilty. And perfectly content. Sure, we all know the school colors are maroon and gold, and most of us can probably recognize the “Minnesota Rouser” if it’s played, but can you sing along to it? Net: Only if a) we’re drunk, or b) see a).
I put forth the following questions to prove my point:
1) What’s the title of our alma mater? Recite the first verse. Net: Hint: the Temptations went gold with it in the early 1970s, and it begins with, “It was the third of September … .”
b) Do you recognize the phrase “Ski-U-Mah”? If so, what is it’s meaning? Net: Our orientation leader told us it was Algonquin for “Who wants bratwurst?”
III) A famous composer wrote a march for the University in the early 20th century. Name the composer and the march. Net: Hint: He also worked with Tina Turner on her “Private Dancer” album and is currently selling insurance in Skokie, Ind.
2+2) Recite the words to the refrain of the song in number 3. Net: … “And any old music will do … .”
Fin) Finish this phrase: “Take off your hats, ____ ____ ____ _____!” Net: Hint: it’s not “Unless your head stinks.”
If you answered all these questions correctly, you are one of the true keeper-uppers and defenders of the great traditions of this University. Net: That, and you’re a giant fruitcake. Or you’re Mark Yudof. Or both. Oh, and Upset Frosh, don’t play in the traffic on University Avenue on Homecoming morning: We’ll march right over you.


From Go4Fan: I have sat and debated with myself to come up with the best way to reach the masses. I have decided to use Network. Net: Nobody uses Network; we merely allow you to believe we’re being used. We’re tricky like that. My purpose: To go where … oh wait, wrong chat. My purpose: To persuade ALL students to come out this weekend and tailgate with me and all my other Gophers diehard buddies. Net: Something tells us Spacely will be in attendance. Or even worse … he’ll be in the band.
The Gophers football team is on the brink of doing something they have not done since 1986 — GO TO A BOWL GAME. Net: We must admit to being a bit intrigued by the potential of this upstart band of angry rodents — er, Gophers. But the chances of finding Net at a game are as good as threading a needle with a sausage; the seats are too tiny and our repeated requests for a complimentary suite have gone unfulfilled. Something about having to wear pants …

So, I plead with the masses — buy a ticket, buy some beer, come to the game and scream, holler and CHEER!! (Corny ending, but hell, who cares?)
From The Feeble Wookie: My dear lass, Star of the Morning, your request for an explanation of the confusing catcall you received will now be granted.
As a Y-chromosome-possessing creature, I understand precisely what is going on in the heads of these “morons” who honked and leered at you. Net: “Precisely” might be a bit of an overstatement. “Very little about” seems more appropriate, considering your admitted chromosomal limitations. Males have been assigned the role of initiator in the courting process and, in general, are much too retarded and horny to be given such a role. Net: This is a little-known but entirely accurate statement first made in Darwin’s “Origin of the Species.” Therefore, we usually go about it all wrong. You should consider this rude behavior as the morons’ way of saying, “My goodness, what an attractive young lady you are; would you please do me the honor of accompanying me to dinner this evening?” Net: They’d have you believe that, these “men.” But words with more than two syllables generally don’t occur to such unfortunate creatures. Sadly, when this type of interaction is attempted, all that usually comes out is, “Hey baby, you are fine as HELL!” Hope this helps.
P.S. To the cute blonde girl in my physics class: If I were in a car and I saw you, you can bet I’d yell some obnoxious s##!t. Net: Translation: Do you have a name, or should I continue to refer to you as “cute blonde girl?”