SPRAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT
From SquidyPoo: Let’s have a big huzzah Net: Sorry, we max out at 7-point type for the greenhouse effect, shall we? I don’t know what these whiner baby scientists are complaining about. Oh no, the ozone layer is depleting! Why can’t we look at the good side here, people? Net: Well, we’ll always have memories of skin … Namely girls tossing off their winter shrouds and once again adorning the much preferred attire of spring and summer. Net: Fig leaves? I think I speak for all warm-blooded males when I say let’s pollute the heck outta the ozone. Net: What say we all grab about 10 cans of Hair Net and meet on Northrop in 10 minutes? Who knows, maybe winter will completely disappear, and the ice caps will melt, putting the University within a mile of the Pacific coast. Net: Surf’s up, dude! Bring the beach to us, and the babes will follow. As for those dirty doomsday meteorologists predicting snow later this week and a return to colder temperatures, such as the much-despised and completely not amusing Elmo. Net: Find us at Gasthof on Friday and ask us a few things about Elmo. We got dirt. Who hired that guy, anyway? He’s not even good at insulting himself, let alone predicting the weather within 10 degrees. I say we shove those dirty predictions up their a$$ and proceed to spray Lysol and other ozone-depleting chemicals into the air. Net: On second thought, screw Hair Net and Lysol … where exactly is the pure CFC black market located? Melt those icecaps, friends. Net: Just leave the SnoCaps the hell alone.
PSST … SCSU STILL SUCKS
To PJ from Yngwie: So it has come to this. Net: Indeed, the line is drawn. Le block est sur le shoulder. En garde, pronunciation-challenged one!! I don’t believe you have the proper authority to speak on the subject of St. Cloud State University. I am from that city, one of the last bastions of Catholic fascism Net: a testy combination to be sure, but it’s no Rumple Minze-Jagermeister on Earth, and I find many things wrong with your statement. Savage City State University (the name is much more fitting than something fluffy like St. Cloud) is good for one thing and one thing only: kicking the Gophers’ ass in hockey. Net: One lousy weekend does not make a tradition. Other than that, it is nothing more than some long-lost “Animal House” cousin. Net: We thought that was “Fast Times.” I have never been able to go to the campus of SCSU and see a university; I just see a lot of buildings where I’ve gone to a few meetings. Net: Waitaminnit … that sounds like here!! There are very few intelligent people there, and they definitely don’t want to be there. Net: Minnesota, hats off to thee … Most of the time, they chose to attend that school because they got knocked up at prom or some other silly reason. I have to admit that I have never taken a class there Net: And SCSU “students” have? or engaged in much social activity, though I do remember one night when I was in the area and some wrestler who had “drank a few” Net: Drunk wrestlers? Get out … asked me for an address so he could drive around some and find his friend. But I have heard enough about the KKK and other such fine student groups there, and I have had jobs where I’ve worked with the morons. Net: The piss-trough cleaning industry is highly underrated. It’s right up there with UPS on Net’s list of stock tips. The University of Minnesota does certainly suck, but SCSU could have a trailer park as a dorm, fer chrissakes. Net: What do you call the Superblock? A housing project? It will be near the top of my destruction list when I take control of this piddly planet.
BULLHEADED
From Clicks: So is everyone sick of hearing about Matt Bullard? Yes? OK, then I will make this short. “Oh, look at the poor activist boy, he’s hanging from Moos Tower. We better let all of our animals and years of research go so this fool doesn’t die,” Net: “Chop the head off that monkey, he’s buggin’ us …” Oh, wait. Never mind. “Oh, look at the poor activist boy, sitting in a cage …” Did anyone happen to notice the guy lives in a freakin’ van?!?!? Net: We heard there was something about that in the Daily, but who reads that fishwrap? Cage … van … cage … van, hmm, seems like he was really giving something up there. Net: Creature comforts would apparently be inappropriate in his world. Does anyone else think he just tries to get arrested so he can spend the night in jail and get a free shower Net: and good back rubs from Sgt. Love and a warm place to sleep? OK, I agree, enough about the worthless individuals of the Twin Cities.
But before I go, Matt, don’t bother filling out the census, Net: That’d be a complicated one for Uncle Sam to figger out, considering he’s got vermin and other assorted creatures living in that van of his. and to ISeeLondonISeeFrance, show ’em, sister! Net: HIYO!!
KES BTHE MONKEY STRIACK
From Phlegm of Discontent: Bobo, my faithful lab monkey, recently gunned down a handful of people. Net: The apes will have their revenge!! Who needs activists? Since this occurred in a state with the death penalty, he faces the electric chair for his heinous deed. Several lawyers are trying to determine if it should be prosecuted under hate-crime legislation because of the inter-species nature of the crime. Others are saying it’s not a hate crime because he’s a monkey, and monkeys don’t commit hate crimes. Net: Sounds like a job for the Kangaroo Court. Whether it is a hate crime or not might not even matter, because Bobo’s defense team, Net: We hear Johnny Cochran wasn’t available, and after that it came down to Matlock and Perry Mason paid for with money he stole out of my purse, are trying to get the case thrown out on the grounds that Bobo suffered from what is now being called “cage rage.” Net: It all seems to come back to Bullard. As if that justifies what he did. Of course, the anti-gun nuts are taking up arms against the National Rifle Association, Net: Yeah, by making fun of the way Charlton Heston walks and talks and I’m in the middle because it was my gun, which Bobo stole out of my locked gun cabinet. The only solution I can think of would be to fly around the country in a helicopter and to shoot all the lawyers with an M-60. Net: Can we come? I could probably get away with it too, since I’m a mad scientist and therefore not accountable for my actions. Net: Whatta life …