YOU’RE NOT A VACUUM …
To SeePee and Gophers Hockey fans everywhere from Spacely: As a member of the Hockey Band, let me assure you that I am just as angry as you at the changes being made this season. Unfortunately, the changes come from much higher up than us or our director — who is a bigger fan than 99 percent of the people at those games, let me assure you. Apparently the big shots in the athletics department Net: We didn’t realize they had any big shots left don’t like the use of a certain four-letter word that starts with sh and ends in it. The same big shots are probably telling Goldy to tone his act down, too. Net: OK, so we can’t have a sliding squirrel or speak of s##!t, but we can still chant, “You suck, you swallow, you love it?” Bureaucracy is beautiful. Wouldn’t it be nice to have the old atmosphere back in time for SCSU on Saturday? Net: Only if you want to see a win Well, if you want it, flood the athletics department with your phone calls and letters:
Men’s Intercollegiate Athletics
Attn: Men’s Hockey
Bierman Field Athletic Building
Minneapolis, MN 55455
(612) 625-4838
Net: At last, a cause that can unite us all, thus lighting the fire of activism beneath our previously supple bottoms! Rise up, Networkia, and let your word be known!
Remember, to quote everyone’s hero who may or may not stay here: “Things have changed at Minnesota.” The same big shots aren’t on top anymore. Maybe a new attitude has come in as well; maybe we Networkians can help make a difference at Gophers Hockey games. Oh, and finally, to Tiggs: Congrats on your tenure as a 3YM, see you there for Y2K in El Paso!
TAs-TAs FOR NOW

From Partial Credit: What makes a good TA?
The professor: Everything is great. I make tests, talk for a few hours a day and get paid for it. Net: Oh, and they can’t fire me, because of a little thing called tenure! What? You have a question? Go piss up a rope! I’m also stuck in my neat little world of big complex words, which I use to combat stupidity. Since everyone in my class keeps falling asleep, I must be doing a great job of teaching. It doesn’t matter — everyone understands me anyway because I am all-powerful, so I’ll just continue speaking gibberish. Net: You pretty much summed up U.S. foreign policy over the last 40 years.
The TA: Let’s try to learn English this semester! Nah, I’ll do that next semester. Net: Oh, wait, I can’t do that next semester ’cause I’ll be busy leading my students into the fiery pit of Hades! Oh, well! This semester I’ll learn to teach! Nah, who needs to do that? The professor is doing a great job already.
The Student: Huh? Was that English? Net: It’s THE HARSH SPOTLIGHT
nappy time.
From Pretty Boy: Well, Net, I am wondering if anyone else is getting sick of the cymbal player or the stupid girl who throws around that baton at basketball games. The cymbal players used to be cool, but this guy is gay. Net: So what? You can’t be cool and gay? Then how do you explain rainbow stickers? He prances around like a fairy in his tight jeans and just makes me sick. Net: We have long considered ourselves anti-cymbalic, if only because green bandannas and maroon-and-gold go as well together as sloppy joes and chardonnay. The baton girl is the highlight of every halftime show, and she looks anorexic. I really just want to puke when I watch those two homos dancing around. Net: That’s fairly common. A lot of movement tends to upset the stomachs of the chronically homophobic. I would really like to see Goldy push both of them right off the raised floor, or maybe instead of throwing us the mini-basketballs, Net: As long as he doesn’t CMYK, NOT RGB
throw them limp-wristed, eh? he can aim at their heads. I hope I am not alone here.
From The Emu on Acid: Oh, pleasant Net, ASCII-based bastion of sanity in an increasingly graphic world, what has become of the Daily? I speak specifically of the classifieds order form (directly opposite your hallowed quadrangle), which recently featured a full-frontal nude of an innocent child wearing only an oversized pair of rubbers. Net: From Net’s Guide to Casual Sex in a Disease-Ridden World: Wear two rubbers in your everyday life so that you can take one off and feel like a wild man.
Just what do naked children have to do with placing ads? Net: They’re cute and fun. Kinda like Dave Spehar. What sort of advertising does the Daily want to attract? Net: The kind that covers our big, fat salary. I mean, if it were on the same page as the ad from the couple willing to pay $25K plus expenses for eggs to breed more Aryans, I might see a connection. And do you, Net, enjoy the fact that every time a new edition of the Daily is folded together, you face the risk of diaper rash? Net: Nothing a little mustard plaster won’t cure.
The Daily certainly doesn’t allow full frontal nudity of adults, Net: Do you have any you’d like to share? so why is it OK for babies? Where’s the dividing line between cuteness and eroticism — or pedophilia? One year? Two years? Do you think the Daily would ever print an image of a 7-year-old girl facing the viewer, spread-eagle, and wearing nothing but a pair of boots? Net: Hmmm … what color are the boots? It’s all about taste. OK, perhaps A&E might, but not the classifieds. And the problem isn’t limited to the Daily. While driving through the Bible Belt recently, I saw a billboard for a boot store showing the backside of a naked toddler up to it’s crotch in a pair of adult-sized cowboy boots. The caption: “Git behind Tony Lama.” Net: What, are you knockin’ boots? Not only does the slogan make no sense as a boot ad, but doesn’t “git behind” sound a bit too much like getting some a$$? Net: Only if your idea of a fishing trip seems more like a scene outta “Deliverance.” Who are the consumers this ad — and the many others like it — is meant to stimulate? Net: Actually, each and every such ad is intended to stimulate Ned and Doris Schweitzer, retirees from Onalaska, Wisc.