Carlson students eagerly join up with Damned

Reporter Reporter

Students will replace the uniformity of their suits and ties with pain-inducing pitchforks and red clothing Thursday for a final career and internship fair at Coffman Union.
The Carlson School of Management and the Institute of Technology will be hosting the fiery event because of several outstanding debts University officials owe the Prince of Darkness.
Recruitment officers from Animae Damnatae, the Dark Prince’s elite army of evil, plan to hand out informational brochures and speak with interested students about the advantages of siding with the Damned for the Ultimate Battle.
The Prince of Darkness has promised what he has called an “excellent benefits package” for the first 50 students who apply for internships and full-time employment with his sadistic army.
“I think the pension plan and the two-month paid vacation will win the mindless drones over,” said Catullus, the dark prince’s spokesman. “Submitting their wills to computers and money helped prepare them for the one-of-a-kind opportunity my Lord and master is currently offering.”
He added that this “crop” will help beef up the dwindling numbers in the current slave force.
But outside Coffman, which Lucifer’s legions sequestered for their military operations center after the student union closed in November, several of heaven’s angels said they will protest Satan and what they call rampant labor rights abuses.
“We are sick and tired of his slave driving and the horrific conditions many of his employees work in,” said Clarence, an angel who was recently promoted to First Class. “He’s almost as bad as (Henry) Potter.”
Business and computer science majors are excited nonetheless and say they would thoroughly enjoy enlisting with Animae Damnatae.
Phillip Wallaka, an Institute of Technology senior, said he has been secretly sacrificing gophers and other rodents to Lucifer for years.
“Burning gophers was just a hobby. By joining (Satan’s) army, I am showing him how I really feel,” Wallaka said. “Besides, I heard that Good might be winning. We can’t have that.”
Although times have been ostensibly good for Memnoch, his preferred pseudonym, evil on Earth, is actually at an all time low, Cattalus said.
Satan’s spokesman cited a recent survey conducted by The Minnesota Daily showing levels of apathy and cynicism “declining at terrifying rates.” The survey also placed “good acts” and “unreasonable displays of heartfelt affection” at the highest levels since the Good Samaritan incident of 12 A.D.
“With so many boys running around killing people, I figured I could take some time off and cause a few scandals,” Memnoch told a confidante earlier this week. “That’s why I’ve been vacationing at the U.”
The master of evil has been living in a boathouse near the University at an undisclosed location since 1986. A Daily investigation has recently linked his presence with the arrival of Clem Haskins and a plethora of scandals.
“The mainstream media’s sensationalism and bestial glorification has painted a false picture for the rest of us,” Cattalus said.
But several other evil demons disagree and said they have a number of issues with the survey and don’t trust the source.
“The Minnesota Daily? Like any of those hate-filled, egotistical reporters would report even a half-truth,” Nostradamus said. “They’re against everybody, God and us. They just wanna have a good time and laugh at anyone who cares.”

Reporter Reporter covers the River Styx and all its tributaries. He can be reached only by telepathy, as he has advanced so far that traditional means of information transfer bore him.