Dear Dr. Date,My girlfriend loves providing me oral endearments. However, lately I’ve been having problems with her blow jobs. Instead of finishing me off by stimulating the shaft of my penis, she has begun to caress the tip of my penis while I’m ejaculating. This makes my body jerk violently for some strange reason, and it doesn’t feel good at all. However, since my entire being is twitching maniacally, she thinks I’m deriving great pleasure and tends to increase her stimulus to the tip.She is relatively inexperienced and it would break my heart to reveal to her that I actually am scared of having an orgasm ever since this business started. Two questions: Why does this happen? How do I convey to her that this sucks?–Big Slim Dawg
This is a common problem among couples that aren’t communicating sexually.
One partner has no clue how to turn the other partner on, so that partner searches for little hints such as your body writhing. What else is there to go on? We’re not trained to be good lovers. And since most of our early education about the details of sex comes from the media, we’re not even taught that everyone has different needs and desires.
The worst part is that we are never really encouraged to talk about sex openly with our partners. Be honest now, does the thought of discussing how you have sex with your partner make you uncomfortable? It does for most people. Movies define our fantasies with scenes of great sex in which everything and everyone works perfectly and they only talking that happens is afterward. The problem is that sex isn’t always like this. We’re clumsy, we’re distracted, we’re inexperienced, or we’re too quick or slow.
If you want to have great sex, you have to communicate. I know you don’t want to destroy your partner’s confidence, but you’re not doing anyone a favor by suffering through uncomfortable sex.
There’s one major thing you can do to help both your sex life and your communication. Talk about sex when you aren’t having sex. It’s important not to cloud the conversation with arousal and other feelings of anxiety. Pick a private time when you are both relaxed and talk to her about sex.
Here’s a sample of what you might say: “There’s something I want to talk to you about. I really enjoy it when you perform oral sex on me. It’s great.
“Lately, however, you’ve been focusing a lot on the tip of my penis.
“Sometimes this doesn’t feel good because it’s too sensitive and makes my body jerk uncomfortably. What I really enjoy is when you stimulate the shaft of my penis.”