It’s hard not to feel bad for Brad Pitt.
The 35-year-old actor can’t attract women, and he’s looking for a sympathetic University student to cure his woes.
Pitt, lonely and dejected, is launching a campus-wide date search for a companion.
“No one thinks I’m cute,” Pitt complained, staring at the ground and shuffling idly. “People have the wrong idea about my personal life.”
In recent months, rumors linking Pitt with Jennifer Aniston — hair icon of the early 1990s — have circulated Hollywood. Despite all the press, Aniston denies the scuttlebutt.
“Are you kidding me?” she cried when questioned. “I’d rather date Vanilla Ice. There is no way in hell.”
Aniston repeated “there is no way in hell” until this reporter hung up the phone.
Pitt said he plans to sit in front of Coffman Union and ask every passing female for a date.
But he is not optimistic.
“There’s very little hope for me,” he admitted. “But I’m going to be sincere and hopefully I can get a sympathy date from a wizened old lady.”
Pitt said his dating problems began when he appeared half-naked in the film “Thelma and Louise.” The film literally exposed him to mass audiences, and the nationwide revulsion began.
“Women would avoid me on the streets after (“Thelma and Louise”) came out,” Pitt said, fighting back tears. “They would scream ‘ugly’ and ‘gross’ at me wherever I went.”
Eventually, Pitt said, he went into hiding. Movies like “Legends of the Fall” furthered his dating woes.
“People really hated me in that movie,” Pitt said. He said his character Tristan had “long stringy hair” and an “awkward manner” with women.
“It just made things worse,” he said about the film’s impact on his social life.
In desperation, Pitt said he hired Gwyneth Paltrow to pose as his girlfriend. The two met while filming the movie “Seven.”
“Gwenny took pity on me,” Pitt said. “She said she related to me in an elephant-man sort of way.”
Pitt said his self-esteem plummeted when Paltrow brought home random men to fulfill her sexual needs while pointing and laughing at Pitt.
“It just wasn’t cool,” he said of the practice.