ATTENTION INTROVERTS (AND PERVERTS?)
From Oldie: Hi, Network. Net: *Sigh* Hi, Oldie. I’m not cool. Net: Well, ya wrote into the wrong place, then. I’ve never been cool, and I have no hope of ever even getting close to the realm of coolness. I’m OK with that, though. Net: So are we. We’re also cool with www.jesusdance.com. I also know there are other not-cool Networkians out there. So here’s a call to all of you nerds/geeks/dorks/sloths out there. Net: All us cool/omnipotent/crack users will try to pay attention, too. If you stay in on Friday night to watch “Antiques Road Show,” Net: This week’s the Buffalo show (part 2!) if you would rather go to a movie on your own than go to a party full of people, if you don’t work out simply because you don’t feel like it and probably won’t ever feel like it, if you are so introverted you couldn’t even anonymously ask Dr. Date for advice, this is a call to you. Unite, all you dweebs. We can do things together and change the world. We can influence the system to make the world more dork-friendly. Net: Vote Gore! Vote Gore! Vote Gore! All this outspokenness has really worn me out, so I think I’ll go crawl in my little cave and sleep for a while. I’ll leave it up to you.
Net: While this Gore-supporter sleeps, we must take action. On to the Republican side of things.
A MCCAIN IN HAND BEATS …
From Ishmael: I was cleaning some rainbow trout this morning, and I happened to look past the huge pile of guts to the fishwrap underneath. Net: A copy of the Star Trib, eh? Or was that A&E? There were some words printed on it — something I had never noticed before. Net: We get that feeling every time we look at the front of the Daily. According to the fishwrap, this University chose to support George Net: “Crack” W. Bush for president rather than McCain. Not only that, but even that weirdo Alan Keyes got more votes!!! What the hell is that?!? Number one, Bush is a greasy retard. Net: Beats being a guy who cleans rainbow trout on a Wednesday morning. Number two, he is REALLY ugly. Who wants an ugly guy for president? Net: Nixon was a real looker. We have to look at this person’s face for the next four years, for crap’s sake! Net: Somebody finally swore in Net without putting those little *#$ signs in there. Fuckin’ A. And have you ever heard the guy debate? Net: That would require watching CNN, which we never, never do. Geeks watch Super Tuesday results (and apparently plot for a Gore takeover) It goes something like this: de..de dippiti der…be doobidy doo…he heh hoo… Net: Sounds more like R2D2 than a presidential candidate. Or maybe R2 is a candidate … Besides, who could pass up the candidate with the kung-fu grip? McCain is a solid guy, Net: A Viagra man? or at least that’s what his public relations department is telling me, and that’s all I need to know. Did the people with brains forget to vote, not want to vote, or is this institution of “higher learning” just not as wonderful as I had imagined? Net: We fine you 25 cents in our Kangaroo Court for referring to this institution as one of learning.
COW FLATTUS
To SquidyPoo from CptGrudge: It’s people like you that have no idea what you are talking about. You said the greenhouse effect is caused by depleting ozone layer? Fool. The greenhouse effect is caused by greenhouse gases, not the diminishing ozone layer. Net: Duh. That’s why our cars are out back running 24.7.365. Greenhouse good. Minnesota bad. While I agree with your exuberance to have ocean property right here at the University and females wearing spring/summer clothing, I believe your course of action would have counter-productive effects on the latter. Net: We’re interested in what you have to say and would like to subscribe to your newsletter. Explain. By depleting the ozone layer, more ultraviolet light would come in, and while this would provide everyone with great tans, the threat of skin cancer would force people inside and to wear MORE layers. Net: So what can WE do, CptGrudge? The key to helping global warming along is to drive your car a lot and produce carbon monoxide. And cows. Cows produce methane. Net: Wisconsin women are another source of methane … wait, they’re already heifers. I hope the readers of Network are not so gullible as to do what SquidyPoo says. Or to listen to me.
BOVINE BLUNDERS
From Nasty McShasty: Yo. Net: Yar. It’s been a couple of weeks since I last wrote in because the topics have been so damn lame lately. Net: Since when are methane-producing women boring? I guess not as many people are writing in because they are all outside playing Frisbee and going to the beach and rubbing sand all over their assy nipples … I guess. Net: What the hell is an “assy nipple?” We feel sorry for Nasty’s girlfriend. Anyway, I was in one of my many St. Paul classes and overheard (believe me, not on purpose) these two heifer-sized females talking about the big, squishy, loveable guys in the Farm House fraternity. Net: It’s all about making fun of cows/women with you people today. Well, as it turned out, these two females are going over to Farm House on a regular basis and getting stuffed like a farm-fresh turkey, if ya know what I mean. Net: Sadly, we do not. Ifyouknowwhatwe’resayin. Well, after fighting off my gag reflex a couple Net: Nooooowwww we get it. Heh, heh. Poultry is funny. of times, I decided that these hicks in Farm House are a bunch of sick f**ks. Net: SAY IT! JUST SAY IT. F-U-C-K-S. I just can’t believe that any guy in any frat would have touched these cows. Wait a sec … maybe the girls/cows reminded the farmers of being back home milkin’ the dairy herd … no, that couldn’t be. Well, I guess, since I am not one of the smartest peanuts in the turd, that is one of the sad facts of life over here in St. Paul that I will never figure out. Net: Like us trying to figure out www.jesusdance.com? Well, I guess I am just gonna have to go drink another bottle of NyQuil and try to get these sick images out of my big, fat head. Net: We have the same problem with a journalism history class. Out with the bad, in with the good. Peace out. Net: Piece, dog.