THE SUMMER HEATS UP
Net: It looks like passions have reached a breaking point, folks. Linguistics and cultural studies are the order of the day, and stances are so set that we even have people using their REAL NAMES. So pay attention, and learn.
From Chad Greene: I’m all for a spirited pop versus soda debate (it’s pop, at least where I grew up in Wisconsin), Net: You’re lying. No one in Wisconsin ever grows up. but I’d like to throw something a little more volatile into the mix, too.
Is it “Duck, Duck, Goose!” or “Duck, Duck, Gray Duck!”?
Net: Personally, we prefer the game “Duck, Duck, Poop!” where people throw rocks at small children’s heads. But that’s just us.
I’ve literally had shouting matches over this one with my friends, and I think that it’s time we established on this campus, once and for all, what the residents of all other 49 states EXCEPT for Minnesota already know — it’s “Duck, Duck, Goose!” And what the hell is a gray duck, anyway? I’ve never seen a gray duck.
Net: And that’s why, when you see one, you run. Why on earth would anyone want to run from a goose!
You might have noticed that most of them are some variant shade of brown.
Let the battle royale commence.
From Moore to Scarlet Knight: The majority of my friends are also from out of state. Not because it’s hard to meet people here (which it is, if you consider that nine out of the 12 months of the year people in Minnesota have to spend in hibernation) or because they are unfriendly (they just can’t smile with all the frostbite around their mouth), but because I choose not to hang out with people from Minnesota. Don’t get me wrong, I know plenty of nice people from Minnesota; it’s just that when conversations start revolving around the weather more than Ken Barlow, or around a sorry-ass Vikings team, I politely choose to withdraw from the conversation and engage in more stimulating talk within my own clique of out-of-state friends. People in New York, Georgia, California, Texas, Colorado, or even Wisconsin don’t talk about such trivial matters.
Net: Oh yes, we’re sure you and your “clique” discuss many topics germane to your fatherlands, like muggings, lynchings, Prop 215, cattle drives, Phish concerts at Red Rocks and cheese. Not to stereotype your aforementioned states, but we sense a bit of pretentiousness here, and as the self-appointed guardians of all that is non-pretentious (think about THAT for a second), we must point this out. This debate is not yet over.
From Butter Love D: Hello again University Peeps. The weather is hot and girls are dressin’ less and checkin’ out the fellas to tell ’em who’s best. Net: Aw yeah. Everyone is jumping out their dorm rooms, going to more parties, and boozin’ whether they are 18 years of age or 21 and older, myself included. Someone tell all these silly University officials to stop cracking down on under-age drinking. Net: Yeah. Stop being such meanies! Stop doing your job! Don’t protect people! You’d almost think they cared or something. When will everyone realize that it’s not the alcohol’s fault? Net: When there’s no longer any correlation between drunk driving and death.
Stop blaming Mr. Miller and the poor Captain. There is no label on bottles of hard liquor that reads “BONG ME, IT’S FUN!” Net: Nah. That’s just suggested in the magazine ads. I have no sympathy for these people at other campuses who have died from alcohol poisoning — it’s just one less stupid person in the world. Net: And if all the stupid people died, your family tree might be pretty sparse, Butter Love. The real problem is stupid people doing stupid things. Net: Because guns don’t kill people … Under the influence you still know what you are doing, and if you have gone beyond that point then that is your fault.
My favorite is when the police wake people up in their dorm rooms who have done nothing and give them minor consumptions. So please, all you U police out there — arrest the stupid people out there Net: No more breathalyzer tests! Give IQ tests instead, and leave the “non-trouble-causing-illegal boozers” like Butter Love D alone.