Net: In our continuous strivings to serve our constituencies, today’s Network is dedicated to: THIEVES!!!!!!
(you know who you are)
From End of the World as We Know It: What has this world become? Net: Bill Clinton’s bordello? I’ll tell you what I think. It is a place where nothing is safe from the greedy hands of thieves. This letter is to the thief who was just on my front porch. Net: Hi, thief. My bike is more than 10 years old. The tires don’t always hold air, and the gears don’t work properly. Net: Hey — you stole NITWIT’s bike! And our intentions were purely peaceful …
Yet still you chose to literally rip it off the railing at 5:45 in the morning. Net: Well, he certainly isn’t going to steal it in broad daylight now, is he (notice the assumption of male gender)? Do you have any clue how much noise that makes to the sleeping body? It has very little money value to me or anyone else, but it still means something to me. My father gave it to me for my 12th birthday.
I was very attached to it — yet you chose to take it from me. Net: So was our last girlfriend. So now it is gone, and I have no money to buy another. Net: Sorry, World. Some things you just can’t get back. I’m terribly sorry that you felt the need for money so badly that you had to resort to this, but there are other ways to do it. Try this: GET A JOB!!!! I saw you. You have no physical ailments that prevent you from doing this. Net: But the kleptomania could really be a problem if it comes up in an interview. If I can support myself, so can you. I work two jobs and have a very full course load. I don’t get financial help from my parents. I haven’t since I came here almost four years ago. Net: Great — but are you addicted to crack? See, if you were addicted to crack, then you’d understand. But yet, I know that there are people in the world much worse off than I am, so I don’t steal to make money.
If working is against your principles, you could always sell plasma. You could probably get more for your plasma than you could for my bike. And to the city itself: You wonder why most people have left for the suburbs with their big yards and two-car garages? More places to hide the things that the lazy want to steal. Things like this eat at a person year after year until they just need to leave. I’m beginning to think an hour commute isn’t looking so long anymore. Net: Wow. We’re sorry this has so traumatized you. But we understand. Bike thefts leave people feeling powerless, much like someone trying to find a good show on prime-time television. We wish you the best of luck, and maybe there’s someone out in Net who might have an extra bike to tide you over. How ’bout it, folks?
From Lil Dude: Has anyone seen my car? My car was stolen from Oakland Avenue South last Tuesday. It’s a Chevy Celebrity with a spray-painted body of all sorts of colors, and it says JUAN! on the hood Net: Yeah — we’ve seen it. But we can’t remember what Cheech & Chong film it appeared in. (license plate number: HTF 704). It has no back seat, because I removed it to get a better power/weight ratio. Net: All our friends call us low rider. It’s probably really scared and lonely and really misses me, its rightful owner (and best friend). Net: OK, Netheads, be on the lookout. We’re honored you’ve turned to us for this service, Lil Dude. And while you’re at it, you might want to, like, file a stolen vehicle report or something.RAM A NAG
From The Anagrammist, Who Thanks Network for Their Kind Support: Here are some anagrams:
THE KQRS MORNING SHOW:
Random BratMike Gelfand:
Fed male kingBob Sansevere:
Bones beaversTerri Traine:
I rent it rareAnthony Lee:
Net any hole
For the next week, I’ll be taking polite, creatively phrased requests. Net: Thank you, Anagrammist. Any ideas?
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT?
From Dr. Nick, Social Incendiary: Hi everybody! As a public service announcement to all those unfortunates, like myself, who find themselves tortured daily by having plates of fecal matter (or less appetizing substances) shoved at them by the Aramark Corporation, I’d like to publish Aramark’s customer service number.
Call in, please. The number is 1-800-ARAMARK, ext. 1. Witty, eh? Net: What did you expect, [email protected]$%&?
Food service here has only gotten worse since the Aramark takeover. It’s time we voiced our opinions. Perhaps if enough of us call, they’ll realize what a Bhopal they’ve made our dining rooms Net: Not true. They serve cattle, and they’ll leave campus.
Housing Services lost $1.6 million last year on food service. Let’s see to it that Aramark does too, if only by responding to our justified complaints. Net: And help keep our University strong!
From CB: Ya know, I’d like to share a pet peeve: Shoveling the snow on your sidewalk. I park over in Dinkytown because it’s free and I get a decent bit of exercise walking to campus. I walk down 12th Avenue and I come to some frat house on the corner at 5th Street. I forget which one — it’s all Greek to me, ya know? Net: Brilliant wit. There are going to be some staff openings here, ya know … But I’m slipping and sliding through all this half-frozen mushy crap that’s been here about a week now, and I’m thinking to myself, there’s probably about 30 able-bodied guys living in that house and after a week they can’t remove their friggin’ snow? Net: They’re still waiting for their moms.What gives? Are these guys too busy sleeping off the buzz or what? Anybody out there got even a half-assed reason why I shouldn’t call the city on these schmucks? Net: No. But let’s see what that sidewalk looks like at the end of today. Good luck, have a great day — and happy shoveling.