Net: Today we share…

Net: Today we share with you a truly innovative form of Net letter (By the way, sorry Vikes/Pack fans — Net went to press before we could gauge reaction to the game). This letter captures thoughts in process — the subtle workings of the mind of a University student tryin’ to make it through class. It reads like experimental Faulkner, or even Alanis Morrisette. Today we give you what we think may be a Network first, a …

From The Red-Headed Step Children: Since Friday we noticed a lot of people dozing off in Statics, we figured we would do everyone in the class a favor by posting our notes through the Net of Nets. Net: True Net from True Net. Begotten, not made. Of one begin with the Father, etc. …
AAAAAAHHH! Help me my brain is melting! Alcohol is the only cure, lots of it. My brain needs lots of strong liquor to save it from overheating and thermal meltdown.
Who fed me sugar damn it, I am now quite restless and will write all over Kenny’s paper from the bottom up. booooty hound — my friend Jimmy.
Damn it, Brain fart. get lighter make flame thrower. They are all on methamphetamine (a.k.a crystal meth, crank, speed) — Mmmm….sniff, sniff, snort ahhhh…
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine and a little high.
THC, THC, Go Cannibis
Ne, Ne, Ne, Are you implying that a swallow could carry a coconut?
Choose a life, choose a job, choose washing machines, compact disc players, choose rotting away at the end of it all watching mind numbing, spirit crushing game shows. Pissing your last in a miserable hole.
Life’s a bitch, eh? Then you marry one.
May you all rot in hell.
Have a nice day 🙂
Net: We’re sure that our readers, having experienced your entry, feel much like the first audience for Allen Ginsburg’s “Howl” — captured in the moment, caught in the BEING of it all. Your phantasmagoria of “Trainspotting,” R.E.M. and marijuana references proves your urban credibility, and shows that your ear is attuned perfectly to THE CRY OF A GENERATION!!! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! We EXPECT that within WEEKS you will have completed your first NOVEL, where you travel the nation with SAL PARADISE, living and breathing the soul of a BEAT AMERICA!!!!!!!!
OK — we’re getting a little breathless here. Don’t try this at home, kids. And try to take better notes in class. Good grades are important.
Now, on to our next letter.

From Peewee: I realize this letter is coming directly on the heels of my last Net: Nipping the nubbins of inanity, and you probably want to give a wide variety of people a chance to write in Net: For now, yes — but wait ’til we impose loyalty oaths!, but I implore you, oh mighty and all-knowing Network, to print this letter. I need to address an issue on behalf of the entire U of M community. For two years I have held my tongue while I watched this heinous act perpetuated, but I am no longer able to maintain my silence and so here goes two years of pent-up rage and anger … Net: You know, it’s been a while since any of us have had sex too — so just know we empathize.
Listen up kids, (primarily this is to freshmen, although I have seen not an insignificant number of upperclassmen doing it too) when you are trying to board the campus connector to get from East Bank to West Bank and vice versa, wait a minute or two before you rush the doors. You see, there are people who are going to get off the bus, and they have to do that before you can get on. Net: Huh. If you all suddenly swarm the doors as soon as they open, then an equilibrium is reached and no one can move either to enter or exit the bus.
Don’t worry — if you wait an extra 60 seconds for the people to get off, the bus will still wait for you and you will still, most likely, get a seat. This also applies to elevators.
So what have we learned today boys and girls? Net: That you have a tremendous ability to grow in rage at really trivial things? When the bus pulls up and those big ol’ doors open, chill out and wait until everyone gets off (Feel free to insert any pun you want NITWIT). Net: Sorry. NITWIT’s never been the same since he entered the seminary. Thank you and remember: There’s nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman! Net: We’ll keep that in mind.

And now, another courageous letter from one who uses her real name:

To Feathers McGraw from Amy Galford: I’m all for thoughtful debate about graduate student unionization. If the best you can muster is slandering GradSOC members as “weirdo hippies” who are only involved to pad their resumes, think harder. You briefly mention union dues, but if you do some research on the subject, you’ll find at unionized schools around the country, dues are usually about 1 percent of grad student income. But unlike us, unionized students usually get annual cost-of-living increases that more than cover dues. I’m not afraid to sign my name. Net: And thank you, Amy, for not being afraid. Do we have a topic here? Anyone outside the cultural studies/language/history-type departments care about grad student unionization? Workers of the world unite — you have nothing to lose but your Ph.D.s. Good luck, and may the words of the immortal Woody Guthrie — “You can’t scare me, I’m stickin’ to the union” — carry ya through. Hasta …