Net: Today we pres…


Net: Today we present, in the inspiring words of former President Warren G. Harding …

A RETURN TO NORMALCY

… after our blistering debates. And what could be more normal to Network discourse than …
SQUIRRELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

… yes, we know you’ve missed all those letters about our bushy-tailed comrades. But don’t worry! We’ve been hiding (squirreling?) them away, like nuts for winter. So crack one open and enjoy.

From Majors Antonio and Bashir: Attention all students! As you well know, spring has arrived at our esteemed University. Along with the nice weather have returned our arch-nemeses, those who threaten our campus and infiltrate our peaceful academic society. Net: Mall preachers? Yes, it’s true — the National Union of Terrorist Squirrels (NUTS) has emerged from its winter hiatus, and more and more of its agents are showing their ugly fur-covered heads, especially around the Northrop Mall. Net: OK. Before you get into this, we have one simple question: Do you have a life? What is up with these incessant squirrel conspiracies?!?!? Can’t you just spend all your time, like, playing Quake or something? How’s that D&D game going?
This is unacceptable! It is our duty, as ranking officers in the University Anti-Squirrel Police Net: “Ranking officers.” Hmmm … By the way, have either of you ever kissed a girl?, to inform you citizens of the danger NUTS poses to your higher learning. Net: Got it.
Since last fall, our field scouts have been watching the squirrels’ activities intently, but as of yet, we have no conclusive evidence as to what their operation entails. Net: Probably tall tales, judging from the extent of bushiness. However, none of our spies have been able to successfully breach NUTS’ fortress, the Francis Ford Bell Museum, and return to us alive. Net: Could be the raptors hanging out nearby. They are either killed by the anti-personnel guns on the roof, the squirrel snipers (with their beady little eyes) or captured within the walls of the base.
It seems increasingly clear that NUTS is preparing an offensive toward the University community. Whether or not they plan to take us alive remains to be seen, but let one thing be clear: We will not go down without a fight! Net: Neither will anyone you date.
The University Anti-Squirrel Police is taking early action in case of an emergency. Our first objective is to educate University students and staff. Net: Good thing Pol Pot isn’t around to direct it. Preliminary explanations having been covered, we will now discuss some measures that must be taken in the near future to alleviate and perhaps even avoid the imminent NUTS attack. Pay attention; this may save your life.
* If you see a squirrel, particularly one in or around the Mall area, kick it. Kick it hard. These

NUTS agents are on reconnaissance missions, and if you kick them hard enough, they’ll forget what they learn. Net: And if we kick you hard enough …
* Do NOT attempt to enter the Bell Museum, especially not alone, and especially not after 2100 hours. This building is home to the NUTS operatives.
* Many University students, particularly females, mistake the squirrels’ innocent eyes and bushy tails as signs of “cuteness.” Net: Women in the ’80s had the same problem with Don Johnson. These squirrels are not “cute.” They are vicious and highly-trained killers.
* Also, there are a few humans working with the squirrels. They are known as “vegans.” Be aware, as their attempt to change the food service is only a preliminary strike to help usher in the era of NUTS.
* As a final warning, in the event of an attack, the anti-squirrel sirens will sound. At this time, you must seek immediate shelter, and let the University Anti-Squirrel Police do its job. Things will get messy. Take care to avoid the acorn shells and fallen branches of the aftermath.
Thank you for your cooperation. As your last line of defense, we hope that the squirrels will relent, but we are prepared to kick some Sciuridae ass if need be. Good luck, citizens! Now, we must return to the preparation of our countermeasures campaign. Net: Just roll that 12-sided dice and call us in the morning. Kids nowadays …

GALLED ON THE MALL

From Quota Boy: I whole-heartedly support the constitutional right of the Mall preachers to spew forth right-winged, biased, misinterpreted, biblical epitaphs across the Mall, but I reserve the right to call them on their fallacies.
As a member of one of the numerous groups considered “damned” by the Mall preachers, I find it irritating to be told just how hot the flames are in hell while I’m trying to drink a tasty beverage during lunch. Net: Just make sure you have lots of ice — what’s the big deal? Also, it really sets my skin to itchin’ when the Mall preachers make random proclamations of apocalyptic proportions and assume they are the voice of God — Net: That’s annoys us too, as our contract with the Big Guy doesn’t run out until June or at the very least his singing telegram service.
I seem to remember reading somewhere — I dunno — in a black book with gold letters on the cover. You know, the title had a funny name, something like Holy Bible, and it said that the greatest commandment, one that supersedes all others, is the commandment to love. Maybe the Mall preachers should try preaching on that subject sometime. I know it doesn’t have the sensationalist ring of brimstone and righteous vengeance, but it wouldn’t interrupt the enjoyment of my lovely noontime liquid refreshment. Net: There you go again, obsessing about your material needs. Don’t you realize that we must live our life here for the life beyond? That’s what it’s all about.
And on that note, we’re outta here.