WE’LL PASS ONTHATFrom Random Walker: Greetings, Net. I’ve got something to say, so I’ll make this quick. Net: Yes, we’re single. You don’t have to be so nervous now. The other day I was leaving my calc class with the intent of heading to Northrop Mall to lie on the grass and stare at the sky. Net: You sound sensible so far. Of course, I had to carefully negotiate the stream of those bike riders to time my mad dash across the street.
However, there was this old woman, who evidently isn’t as fast as she used to be Net: Probably would fight off her husband if he even MENTIONED Viagra, who tried to cross the street ahead of me. She had almost made it when this silly blond chick on a bike, who was completely wrapped up in her own little world, disregarded the old woman and plowed right into her, knocking the aged woman onto her tush. Net: Probably jealous of the woman’s distinguished appearance.
Two things spring to mind. First, like I said earlier, the old lady wasn’t exactly darting into traffic, and second, the biker chick yelled “Look out” TWICE rather than brake or swerve and seemed to go out of her way to cream this little old woman. Net: Hence the cry, “LOOK OUT.” Your logic seems confused here. I mean, it isn’t like she’s going 90 mph in a semitruck — she’s coasting on a bike, for cryin’ out loud!
From these two things alone, I think we can all conclude that every campus biker is an annoying, stupid, arrogant bastard who has no place here at the U. Net: Don’t ever take a logic class. Am I right or am I right? Net: The first lesson of academe is, “Don’t generalize.” Personally, we think everyone who generalizes should be shot. So there. Have a nice day.
DEATHWISHONWHEELS
From Struck: Something has to be done about campus traffic — it’s dangerous! Net: Let’s just ban it — consider it the last step in the virtual U plan. Cyclists don’t obey traffic laws, they run down pedestrians, and they knock over handicapped people without a second glance. Net: And your point is …
I bicycle to school every day to avoid parking costs, and I do my best to be safe. I have been thanked for simply alerting pedestrians that I’m going to pass so as not to startle them Net: But really, who should be startled by a passing bike. After all, they’re EVERYWHERE; this should be common courtesy.
I myself was recently victimized by a reckless cyclist. While traveling down Pleasant Avenue slowing for the three-way stop on my way to the bridge, another cyclist flew up from behind me, passing by my left side and running into my front tire. I was sent sliding across the pavement and was left with: the knees of my jeans ripped to shreds, flesh scraped off my palm and left knee, my right knee bruised and swelling, bike in the same poor shape and the contents of my bookbag scattered across the street. Net: Ouch. It does make you in favor of some sort of licensing, doesn’t it. Or maybe public floggings …
A few passersby were kind enough to help me collect my belongings as I scrambled to get out of the street. The other cyclist, however, after asking if I was all right and offering a lame excuse, simply took off, leaving me there bleeding, trying to piece my bike together, and wondering what the heck was the matter with people. Net: The decline of family values. That’s what it’s all about.
Needless to say I am still in pain. My bike is just not the same, nor is the functioning of my knees. I still have no idea who the jerk is, and I am faced with bike repair and possible medical bills Where are the campus police? Why am I left victimized while this turkey is off tear-assing around some more to hit other unsuspecting people? Why can’t people be more careful or courteous? If anyone hits me again I swear I’ll beat them soundly over the head with a brick-bat!! Net: And another bitter person is born at the U. Fight the rage. Work for change. And stay happy. It’s the best you can do. So, the moral of the story is: Slow down and be careful, or face the consequences, all of U!
Net: Somehow, we don’t think a quotation from Gandhi will help at this point. Look — take care, and have a good day. We hope you get well.