Net: Well, it’s one day down and about 6 billion to go in the great rat race we call school, and frankly, the collective is already sick of it. While most students we associate with are head-over-heels in a blinding wash of ecstasy because of their new pencil case and shiny books, not to mention their new red JanSport backpack, we take a much more pessimistic view. Yes, loyal readers, the collective has THAT GUY in their class again. You know the one — carries a briefcase, wears a leather coat, generally seems really nervous and shakes his leg a lot. And, of course, his most notable characteristic — HE ASKS QUESTIONS ALL THE BLOODY TIME! THAT GUY doesn’t just ask the regular “Could you please attempt to speak English, Mr. TA-person?” questions, he asks questions merely to show that he knows (and most likely, masturbates to) the obscure terminology of the subject. A typical exchange:
THAT GUY: “Excuse me Mr. Smith, but don’t you think that you are ignoring the economically-deterministic anti-causative theory?”
MR. SMITH: “Could you please refrain from asking questions until I am done explaining my office hours?”
We always end up with this guy (or girl, for THAT GUY apparently comes in a female form also) in our classes. Maybe that’s our own fault for being in CLA Á
So, send us your favorite THAT GUY stories. We promise to think about thinking about printing them.
On to the nuts Á
THE BIKE WARRIOR
From supersparkle: Hey network, I don’t hold too high of an opinion of the general level of smarts on this campus, but wouldn’t you think that anybody who could be admitted into college could tell the difference between a plain sidewalk and a lane with a big f**king bicycle painted on it?!? Net: The problem is that they don’t have big pedestrians painted everywhere else I’ve been biking on this campus for five years now Net: So you’re a Sophomore? and I am fed up! So look out, dipsh!ts in the bike lanes. Or look down, as the case may be. I have decided that it is worth crashing into people in order for them to learn an important lesson about pedestrianism, Net: We think we remember THAT GUY (see above) talking about that which is to stay out of the bike lanes! Seriously, we all know Minnesota nice doesn’t really exist so I am going to end my silence and start yelling at people walking in my lane. Don’t think I won’t call you stupid because that is my insult of choice Net: And a damn hurtful one too and you’re asking for it. And, if I happen to catch you walking in the bike lane twice, well, you’re going to get a big ole smack in the head from me as I whiz by you on my bike. No more, I can’t take it!! And I will mow down the next moron on foot who is on the ramp leading down from the Willey hall plaza. Net: You sir/madam are discriminating against us fatties, the ramp is much more leisurely and energy-efficient way to transfer ourselves those four feet Heed my words, bike lane walkers, because things will get ugly if you don’t. Bikers, are you with me?
PRINCESS DIE
From 90210hfukoff: My past five years of being an occasional reader of the Daily have left me with no real scars to speak of from its content. Net: Keep ’em coming Á we just love compliments I enjoy most of what you do (though I’d rather gnaw my own foot off than read another regents story) Net: You know what would make a REALLY good story? A story about the U-PASS, which, if you’ve read our comprehensive coverage, seems to rank between antibiotics and agriculture in terms of societal impact and have had little reason to complain. However, that is over. For I have now poisoned my eyes with “Advice from a University Princess.” Net: written by Mark Yudof Why does Katherine Howard think that anyone on this campus cares about her or the “wisdom” she’s accrued by living with daddy’s hand up her ass? And I’m not saying I don’t enjoy a good puppet show as much as the next person, Net: the political conventions’ ratings bespeak this fact because there is a definite entertainment value in listening to someone who is a complete tool. Even Brother Jed (speaking of tools Net: nice transition, you learn that in 1027?), who I think is just as delusional as the Daily’s newfound tart of a columnist, was carrying on about her this morning and I was forced to agree with him. So here is a little feedback for you: Go home. You’ll have a much better chance of making an arm piece for some schmuck in California — just don’t open your mouth. Net: Unless he asks you to, ifyouknowwhatwe’resayin’ And, I can see why trying to hide who you really are from people seems like such a good idea. Net: deception is fun! I’ve gotten a glimpse, and I prefer you hide it too. Screw you for making me think that Brother Jed had a point. Now I feel dirty. Oh yeah, Altimas suck. Net: that was uncalled for. You had a standard NetworkRant until that point, where you completely went over the edge and lost all credibility. Let it be known that Nissan produces some of the finest automobiles on the planet, almost as great as the once unstoppable AMC.
TOO MUCH TV MAKES READERS SOMETHING SOMETHING
From STUDENT: Dear oh great and powerful Network, I would like to end this debate on where the Simpsons are from once and for all. Net: I’m SURE that this letter will accomplish that. Why don’t you end the frat debate now too? A previous writer came close, but obviously hasn’t studied nearly as long as I. Net: Oh sweet 5:00. Why must they only run two episodes? *sigh* From the season finale last year the announcer at the end of the episode says they are from northern KENTUCKY. For evidence I refer you to one of the best Simpson sites on the web www.snpp.com they will help you find all the info. Net: And while you’re “browsing” the “Internet,” be sure to check out our:

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