Net: [Introduction] Haiku have existed for thousands of years. They have delighted men, women and children of countless generations. Although they originated in Japan, their use has spread to all four corners of the world. Even today, one can find haiku in the workplace, the playground, or in the local paper. [Thesis] American haiku is remarkably better than Japanese haiku.
HAIKU-HEAVY LETTERS
From Brutus: Friends, Romans, Fraternity Men, lend me your beers … Net: Whurp? Is that a barfy noise? Ahh, better. Gotta be loosened up before Network appearance:
Yo Net even tho
my last letter was ignored
you’re not a NUThole
I thought they were lame
but collective still writes them
I’ll try one myself
stupid idiots
learn how to count up the votes
who do we hail to?
And now two for one
though not unusual at all
Net: Haiku syllable warning! How many syllables does ‘unusual’ have? A quick survey of Daily folk says ‘four’
politics and sex:
Bush in the White House
then eight years of itching for
new Bush to grow back
Supporters of Gore
eat it you vermin cause this
time the “right” man won
Aloha, Net. Long live the greatest sport ever played poorly by Wisconsin — Hockey! (That means ALL sports, idiots.)
From noshiftkey: oh great and almightly network. i decided to write you some haiku. i’m a net virgin, so please don’t rip me a new one. Net: YOU STINK. GO HOME BASTARD. WE HATE YOU. YOUR DOG ENJOYS INTERCOURSE WITH YOUR MOTHER WHO, IN TURN, ENJOYS INTERCOURSE WITH THE COLLECTIVE. EAT A FAT STINK-BUG AND A BAG OF HELL, NUTBAG.
rave the night away
oakenfold will be here soon
i can hardly wait
luckily for me
i do not have class until
noon on Wednesday
Net: Haiku warning! We believe Wednesday, at least as pronounced, has two syllables.
maybe my prof likes
oakenfold as much as me
class will be cancelled?
From Nervousgerbil: Oh sacred Network, I pledge allegiance to thee. Net: Why don’t you run the stars and stripes up our pole? The alternate covers for the front page of the Daily yesterday were pure comic genius. Anyway, I have to voice my distaste for the majority of the haiku sent in so far. I think people are being way too shallow. Net: That has never been a prerequisite for Network entry Haiku are there for people to express the beauty of the world. That is why I have taken the time to write a few of my own.
A cow humps a tree
Love is an egg silly dick
poop does not smell good
breast milk fart junkie
you rock my world donkey boy
my wookie is gay
behold my left nut
exit from gravy land friend
nipples, nipples yeah
I hope this will help others in their crusade for writing the perfect haiku. I have nothing else, my poetry speaks for itself. Peace out. Net: Amazingly, you were the only one to have correct form Á
From FullHouseWasFullofCrap: Okay Net, I will forgive you for not running my letter inspiring the collective to vote for the exhumed carcass of Abraham Lincoln for president (there is always 2004 — www.carcassoflincolnforpresident.com), under one condition: You run my list of the five greatest albums of all time. Here they are:
5- Huey Lewis and the News, Sports
4- Huey Lewis and the News, Small World
3- The Big Lebowski Soundtrack
2- Huey Lewis and the News, The Heart of Rock and Roll 1- Kenny G, Breathless
Net: You forgot Meatloaf ‘Bat out of Hell.’ This will now be required on all future top five lists. Viewpoint discrimination? Hell, yes
Also, I have one thing to say to all those fragrance-free helmeted haiku freaks out there: Do you see what happens when you NUT a stranger in the ass? This is what happens when you NUT a STRANGER in the ASS!:
You write bad haikus
Rug pissers piss on your rug
Nihilists lop chonson
Net: Haiku alert! Six syllables!
From The Subliminal Criminal: I have to agree with the entry in Thursday’s Network from Abbey Someone. The Goldy on the Campus Shuttles certainly does look like he’s waving with one hand, and beating off with the other. Net: Really, what else are you supposed to do on the bus, read?!? NO, MASTURBATE It looks like he’s giving us a friendly Hello while roughing up the suspect (or waxing his lance, patting the robertson, pulling root, playing the flesh trombone, Net: And he’s all way out at 7th position etc.). It looks like he’s about to spunk all over that overpriced hockey jersey he bought from Gold Country. That would explain that shit grin on his face. OR, if it just happens to be a female Goldie, then she’s “playing with the little man in the canoe.” Which, by the way, all girls do. And those that say they don’t are flat-out lying. Net: All girls are closet lesbians, too. We know Á
