Hey all you hard-working, ass-kissing students. Today is the start of final exams week and you’ve sweated long enough. It’s time to take a break, sit back and KISS ASS.
I’ll help you pass those finals with 10 tips for the slackas:
1. Type the answers onto a clear sheet of overhead paper. Choose a color font that is just a bit different from the color of the chair in your classroom. You want to make sure the words don’t blend into the chair’s color. Arrive first in the classroom and tape the sheet onto the chair in front of you. Sitting smack in the middle of the classroom works best for this tip.
2. Before bopping into a multiple choice final exam, establish an eye code with your neighbor. One blink means A, two blinks for B, three blinks for C and four blinks for a D. If your teacher starts to catch on, tell him you’ve just been diagnosed with Tourette’s syndrome. AN ALTERNATIVE: Coughing also works — just beware of flying phlegm.
3. First, reduce the font size on your computer, then type your notes on a clear sheet of overhead paper. (NOTE: Do not use the same sheet from the first tip. The words can get scrambled.) Glue the sheet to the inside of your glasses. (WARNING: Make sure to leave a small hole in the lens so you don’t trip on your way through the door.) If you have a hard time reading the answers, pretend to clean the lens, but don’t use a rag in case the words smudge together.
4. Play varsity basketball for the University. Need Jan Gangelhoff’s phone number? Pay Courtney James or Clem Haskins to track her down.
5. Or, just confiscate Gangelhoff’s hard drive.
6. For a multiple choice test, make a wave pattern of your dots. Some are bound to be the right answers.
7. Another multiple choice alternative: For the answers you don’t know, color in all the circles. Then erase each of them, but just enough to create doubt. After the test, look up the answers and tell your teacher which ones you REALLY meant to circle.
8. Clock when your teacher drives out of the University’s parking lot. Then run into her car with your bike and slam to the ground, feigning death. It’s a foolproof blackmail scam for a top-notch grade.
9. Pre-record the answers in a mini tape player, then run the cord of the ear piece down your sleeve. Long sleeved turtlenecks and stocking caps work best.
10. Pry off the sole of an old pair of shoes and attach it with a hinge on the shoes you will wear to class. Tape a sheet with your answers to the inside of the fake sole. Use a clasp to fasten it shut. When you’re stumped on an answer, pretend to scratch your foot. (HINT: It’s best to put fake soles on both shoes to avoid limping.)
Now that you’re all set to ace those final exams, take a breather from your studying and hit Stub and Herb’s for a few Prairie Fire shots.
Matt R. Knot is a 100 percent vinegar and water. He welcomes comments at [email protected]