WONDERS NEVER CEASE…

WONDERS NEVER CEASE

Net: Another Homecoming has passed. The alumni have departed with the jarring memory of a Homecoming victory in their heads. What are you trying to do, Gophers? Make returning graduates feel even more foreign to their alma mater by confounding their fond memories and WINNING a game?!?!?
Oh well. Guess all traditions have to change. Congrats, Gophs — just be sure to make victory as much a habit in the future as losing has been in the past. We can’t stand too much change ’round here!

GIVE A HOOT

From Wol: Hey Network! What’s up? Net: Well, it’s Saturday night, we’re alone at the Daily and we’re feeling stood up. There. You have our frame of mind. Beware.
I’m just wondering if anyone else out there has ever noticed there are two owls posted on little ledges on either side of the small skyway from the Social Sciences building to Blegen. Net: We like to think of them as cleverly disguised gargoyles — it tickles the goth in us. I find it quite strange and unnerving that someone — Lord knows who — would even think to put fake, quite realistic-looking birds on a skyway. They don’t serve any obvious aesthetic purpose (as they aren’t immediately noticeable) and definitely serve no practical purpose! Net: That’s because you don’t see the hidden cameras.
I’d like to hear ideas, hypothetical stories, out-and-out lies, BS, and maybe even a REAL reason Net: Here? We wish you the best of luck. these nocturnal woodland predators have appeared on the West Bank. Thanks!

DUEL PERSONALITY

To The Imposter, from The True Buzz: Oh mighty Net, I have been wronged! Net: Take a number. Our service representatives will be with you shortly. There is an imposter in our midst!
You see, I have been at this wonderful establishment we call the U for five years now Net: Wow! You’re almost halfway done, and over that time I’ve had several letters printed in your fine, fine column. Net: Which, considering the lengths we went to to install metal detectors, x-rays and the like, was quite an accomplishment. I’m not a regular by any means, like The Anagramist or that guy a few years ago who pretended to have sex with his cousin Net: Funny how gatekeeping standards evolve, but I usually can manage two or three letters a year. All of them used the moniker Buzz. You can imagine my amazement when I saw that someone had usurped my name! This imposter wrote some piddly thing about French and bees Net: Sounds like Proust on Thursday.
Well, I won’t stand for it! I hereby challenge the imposter to a Hamilton-Burresque duel! Net: Quick — call Thomas Jefferson! We don’t have to go to New Orleans, we can do it right here on the Mall. Net: That’s unfortunate. New Orleans leads the nation is missing persons — you’d fit right in. Winner take name! And if the coward doesn’t accept, well, I’ll just sue his dumb ass for everything he’s got. Net: Right — as you well know, having your moniker used in Network is as ironclad an airtight contract as there can be. Che Guevara never needs to worry about infringement, nosiree. It probably isn’t much, but I’m in law school now. I can do these things.

WASP DEATH DESIRED

From Bird: Long-time reader, first-time writer, blah, blah, blah.
I got some info on those wasps in Nicholson Hall. Net: Whaddaya got on ’em? Affairs with golf pros at the country club? Secret stashes of Updike novels? Wait — one of them CAN’T TRACE ANCESTRY TO THE MAYFLOWER.
You see, I left my can of Surge in there after Comp the first week of classes, and the next day there were these huge-ass killer wasps Net: Sounds like Teddy Roosevelt’s Rough Riders floatin’ around like attack choppers.
Could my Surge have given birth to these? If so, I apologize to Buzz. Net: Whoever Buzz may be.
Oh, by the way, these guys have been alive for more than a month now — could someone get the balls up to interrupt their class and put an end to this airborne menace? Jeez!
While I am on the subject of things that buzz around you, tryin’ to upset your day, could all you wanna-be-campus-security-dorks lay off me when I’m tryin to skateboard to class and around campus?! Net: This sounds like fightin’ words. For the last four years I’ve had to endure your harassment while watching rollerbabies and BMXers sail by me during one your silly lectures on how I can’t skate on U property.
I’ll admit you guys do some good escorting students to their cars and such, but lay off, would ya? I’m sure there are plenty of other skaters goin’ to school here that would appreciate you neglecting this part of your “job.” Net: And probably many non-skaters who appreciate having fewer obstacles to navigate while traveling to and from buildings. Beware the silent majority, Bird. You may find society more repressive than in your wildest dreams.
Or maybe you’ll adjust, or move on, and this year’s complaint will be recycled for next year. We’ve seen it all, and in your own eloquent words, “blah, blah, blah.”
(Sorry — that’s not how we usually end this column. But we sure wish the phone would ring).