Net: Welcome back from those lazy, hazy days of summer, y’all, and welcome back to another year of scintillating prose, provocative thought and squirrel letters here at Network!
For those of you who may be new to our humble space (or to those of you who have quit reading and have returned for one moment, hoping to have your faith restored), let us explain what we’re all about. Network is a free-wheelin’ forum filled with fun and philosophy. We print whimsical poetry, public service announcements, political commentary, and musings on campus life.
Contrary to common belief, we attempt to print a variety of topics in our column, although our readership tends to drift toward the following: squirrels, fraternities, food, squirrels, freshmen, squirrels, masturbation, squirrels, squirrels, gay rights and bicycles. (Loyal readers — have we missed anything?)
We try to print as many letters as we can, although, should you decide to submit (Ultimately we all do — it’s the essence of capitalism.), it is in your interest to keep your letters short and to the point — otherwise NITWIT might not take a liking to you. (Don’t know who NITWIT is? Ask your older comrades.) Remember: Network is intended purely for purposes of entertainment/shock/political indoctrination. We try very hard not to be responsible for ANYTHING here. Don’t like it? We’re sorry — in the words of the mighty KC, “All in all is all we are.” We’re kind of set in our ways. We’ve been here a long, long time.
But sit back. Spend a little of your time with us. We’re here to help U! So hasta la victoria siempre. And have a nice day.

Net: To familiarize you with some of our normal style and content, here is a typical Network submission produced for your edification.

From Squirrel Reincarnated: As I digest the contents of the ramblings fools who choose to bitch about the lack of quality of food on and around campus, I wonder — do these sorry people also attend the state fair expecting quality? Net: Didn’t you catch the Yudof-on-a-stick dish they served there? Pancakes wrapped in soft, squishy buns … There is a thing called demographics — specifically playing to demographics. And that would be the thing that attracts fast food and bad food service providers to campuses.
There are lots of kids with bad eating habits. Net: There are no kids with bad eating habits. Only bad doctors opposed to fun and too many of those kids with the soundness of mind to choose an apartment and to pursue their own groceries when mommy suggests they move into the dorms.
No, it’s just not smart to leave your nutritional sanity to a company like Aramark. They make way too much money recycling leftovers. You eventually get that clue and strike out on your own. The Wedge and Mississippi Market are then your procurement venues. Net: Although the Hemporium has wonderful products also. More on that another day …
Even with their colorful neon in the window, the Village Wok can’t lure me in. I’d rather not eat rice with mouse droppings Net: That would be Cantonese Rice Plate ##108 (Check out the rice bin positioned outside the restaurant … back near the garbage … that’s just gnarly) … And we all know that fast food chains buy the grade B and C beef the rest of the world rejects. Net: Actually, Rwanda would probably be quite happy with it. Nope, I might never go back to feeding at those local troughs. Net: Ah, yes. But you WILL return. You MUST assimilate. Trust us. We know the feeling. Later, y’all.